Calming the Nervous System and Avoiding the Freeze for Professionals In the Collaborative Divorce Meeting

All too often, clients will go “off the rails” temporarily during a Collaborative Divorce meeting.  What matters most during these moments, is how the professionals in the room react to these more difficult client moments. As humans, when we are in a situation of conflict, our nervous systems often go into a “Fight or Flight” response pattern followed by a “Freeze” response if we feel helpless as to how to react or respond.

Client “moments” often create the atmosphere of “high conflict” even in the Collaborative Divorce process and we need to know how to respond, not react, and not end up in a “Freeze” response and rendered helpless.

As a divorce coach and therapist for many years, I have learned to expect moments of conflict, threats of litigation, and empty threats one party or the other will take, and especially moments revisited by the couple of wounds from their marriage that have yet to be resolved.  Those situations are difficult, and navigating them as a team is vital. The role of the divorce coach is to lead the team through those difficult moments, allow the team to trust the “gut” of the divorce coach to allow the conflict, as it is often necessary to allow the couple to have closure and move forward. All too often there are things left unsaid by a separated couple and those issues tend to come out during our Collaborative Divorce meetings because they give the clients a safe space and forum to air their grievances with one another.

It is important that we not let these moments scare us.  Fear can cause reactivity that will shut these moments down, but if that happens it stops the productivity of what those situations allow.  The ability of clients to feel safe to express themselves and their frustrations during the Collaborative Divorce process is key to closure for all parties.  It also allows us, as a team, to see the whole picture and staying calm during those moments is instrumental to the process.

A good divorce coach knows when to let these moments happen and when to call a “time out.”  Trust within the team will allow for this flow and can be a turning point for the process to move forward to completion.  Any Collaborative Divorce meeting without a skilled divorce coach has the risk of these situations derailing the process and can also leave the team members feeling depleted, exasperated, and unsure of what’s next.  A full team makes all the difference in the world for these cases and the prebrief meeting and debrief meeting as integral parts to these 5- or 6-way meetings will always allow for the most potential for successful Collaborative Divorce cases and conclusions.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board-certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

COLLABORATIVE COMMUNICATION AND COPARENTING WITH A COUPLE IN CONFLICT

Separating couples oftentimes conflict with each other about parenting techniques and have different parenting styles.  This conflict often gets in the way of healthy co-parenting and, in the end, only hurts the child they brought into the world. In addition, old wounds from the marriage continue to come out in the conflict, creating a hostile environment, as partners are often not able to move on and see each other as co-parents rather than ex-partners.

Communication difficulties are at the heart of separation and divorce.  They are a primary reason people struggle in relationships and a reason they have conflict in the first place.  Teaching healthy communication to couples as they go through the separation process is vitally imperative to allowing for healthy co-parenting going forward.  Without addressing communication styles and teaching new skills, people have no way of changing the way they approach situations so that there can be a different outcome.

Most couples in conflict tend to blame, accuse, look for what the other person is doing wrong, and leave the receiver on the defensive trying to explain why they acted the ways that they did.  This style of communication is not only unhealthy, it is also completely unproductive and leads to more conflict, not less.  Instead, reminding people that they are in this process of working together as a team to raise healthy humans is key to helping them change this pattern.  Using gentle reminders of their best moments with their child, reminding them that they were married and created this child together, and helping them see a way out of conflict to a better pattern is one of the most helpful ways we can coach a couple to success.  Most of all, it also allows for much healthier children to grow into healthy adults, even when they come from a divorced family.  Using techniques such as future visioning and helping parents see that they want to achieve as parents, including when they attend future events for the children, and that they will benefit from making decisions together, are some of the ways that we can improve these relationships going forward.  Given that Collaborative Divorce is aimed at collaborative relationships, addressing new healthy patterns of communication will allow for a more collaborative journey going forward.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

Using Collaborative Language

Transitioning to the use of collaborative language is one of the hardest adjustments with which divorcing couples struggle, yet doing so is one of the most important aspects of healthy co-parenting and healthy uncoupling.  While legal language has been widely used for many years, it is both a difficult and recommended change for professionals and individuals.

Terms such as the “kids’ time” versus “my time,” “your time,” “mom’s time,” or “dad’s time,” are widely used interchangeably, and yet the focus should always be on the children when a couple that is separating or divorcing is trying to co-parent their children.  In addition, the terms “shared parenting” and “parenting time” are now much more accepted than “custody,” just like “spousal support” is more widely accepted over the term “alimony.”  Transitioning to the use of more appropriate language is something we all struggle with, yet so many attorneys and financial neutrals often use old terminology depicting a legal and adversarial approach rather than a collaborative one. There is still a need for using legal language, where the binding legal documents are concerned, though in discussions with clients, warmer language helps to soften the conversation and often allows for more amicable settlement terms.

In 5-way or 6-way Collaborative Divorce meetings, it is important to set ground rules and those ground rules should incorporate more appropriate language.  Additionally, it is important to help people set healthy boundaries when discussing the issues to be resolved, while also encouraging them to listen to the other person’s perspective.  Oftentimes people regularly interrupt each other in meetings, and it is important to encourage open listening instead.

Healthy communication is key for divorcing and separating couples in the transition.  Without the use of healthy language, couples often end up repeating the same conflicts and unhealthy patterns they engaged in throughout their marriage.  As a divorce coach, my primary focus teaching couples to engage in productive settlement discussions, focus on a “getting to yes” approach of discussing interests rather than positions, and learn to allow both parties to be heard, respected, and feel settled with the outcome.  Collaborative Divorce is a process of working together to allow the best outcomes for couples, individuals, and especially children of divorced parents.  The more we focus on language that makes the children the primary focus and respect to the other person, the easier moving forward will be for everyone.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in Collaborative Divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has expanded her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

The Value Of Adding A Coach To Your Collaborative Divorce Team

THE VALUE OF ADDING A COACH TO YOUR COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE TEAM

By: Ann Kreindler-Siegel,, LCSW, BCC, PLLC

When couples divorce, they often engage the services of attorneys before seeking any other professional to help guide them through the process. Attorneys are necessary for the legal aspects of the divorce. In addition, attorneys need to draft any legal agreements that are made, as couples transition from a married couple in one home to leading separate lives.

What most attorneys and couples do not recognize is the value of adding a coach to the collaborative divorce team. Attorneys are trained in the law. They are not specifically trained in communication, especially healthy communication techniques, that couples need throughout the process of their separation and divorce. In addition, the skills of a well-trained, and seasoned coach help couples going through this process not only communicate more smoothly but also much more effectively. A coach can be invaluable for helping couples learn to negotiate options for what they each would like to see as an outcome, create shared parenting agreements and holiday schedules, and work with the many emotions that may arise throughout the process.

Most couples that do not engage the services of a coach believe that adding a collaborative divorce coach will add unnecessary expenses to the process. Divorce can be a costly process; however, the reality is that adding a coach saves money throughout the process, as most issues are more efficiently and smoothly dealt with when a coach is added to the team. In addition, it is easier for a couple to remain amicable, even post-divorce when they have worked with a coach. While working with a coach, couples learn new skills such as how to draft appropriate emails, how to communicate and interact going forward after the initial separation how to tell the minor, or adult children about the divorce, and how to rebuild their lives individually and as two families created from one.

A coach also offers an opportunity for couples to experience lasting closure in the divorce process. Couples I have worked with report a much less burdensome transition post-separation than they expected, and that they move forward into the next chapter with more ease and confidence. The goal of Collaborative divorce is to amicably come to agreements that allow both individuals, and any children involved, to feel more settled during, and long after the separation and divorce. Why would that not be a gift during a time in peoples’ lives that is so difficult?

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, BCC, PLLC, has been a couples and divorce coach for 14 years and works with couples every day and has throughout her practice.  She has been a psychotherapist in private practice for 39 years and a trained divorce coach since 2010.  She is board certified, collaboratively trained, and has worked with couples to ease the burdens of this process, help them get their needs and wants met, creatively draft shared parenting agreements, and also improve communication.  In addition, she is trained as a somatic experiencing practitioner to help settle anxiety, which is, of course, a normal response to separation and divorce.

Your Marriage Has Just Reached the Breaking Point

by Kate Culligan, LMFT

Your spouse has just arrived home and now there is the typical tension in the air. Later a verbal fight begins over the usual topics, but something is different about tonight. Instead of threats of divorce, your spouse indicates clearly that a family lawyer will likely be consulted next week. Divorce is your new reality. Your heart begins to race and your mind is flooded with fear and anger. You ask yourself, “What happens now? What do I do? How can I protect myself? I never thought it would go quite this far.”

You know you need help and information as soon as possible. In your agitated state, you’re not sure about the difference between consulting a lawyer and retaining a lawyer. Consulting a lawyer involves gathering pertinent information and paying a professional fee to obtain legal advice. Retaining a lawyer to represent you in a divorce usually involves signing a specific legal agreement stating the details of the representation and paying a retainer to the chosen lawyer. There are many family lawyers from which to choose. First, choose your preferred method!

What method will you use? Anger and fear cause many people to immediately think of retaining a family lawyer with an aggressive reputation as a litigator. Now it’s war! If you do not let anger control your choice, your long-term best interests can help direct you on a rational path forward. You can opt for a lawyer who is a skilled negotiator. Both you and your lawyer can still be strong advocates. Often upon reflection, divorcing couples would at least like to maintain a civil relationship in public after the divorce is final. If you have children that you need to raise together, setting a tone of civil communication with your ex-spouse is imperative for successful co-parenting and the wellbeing of your children.

Many couples who decide they want to maintain privacy, de-escalate conflict, preserve assets, and actively negotiate a divorce agreement by discussing and choosing settlement options, choose Collaborative Divorce as the preferred method. Your first step is to consult with an established Collaborative family lawyer to learn about your options. Collaborative Divorce has been practiced since the early 1990s and exists in all 50 states and 25 countries. Yet, many Americans have never heard of it. It may be new to you, but Collaborative Divorce is 30 years old.

When you look for a Collaborative family lawyer, make sure that the lawyer has specific Collaborative Divorce training and significant experience over time with a fair number of cases. Your Collaborative lawyer will likely offer you the names of other Collaborative lawyers with whom your spouse may consult. Your individual lawyers will be your respective advocates and confidential advisors, and they will also assist each of you to discuss settlement options and reach an acceptable agreement. Sometimes financial specialists and mental health professionals will be part of the Collaborative team that will help you both reach an acceptable agreement and move into the next phase of your life. Your first step is consulting a Collaborative Family Lawyer!

Kate Culligan, a mental health professional for 30 years, has been a Coach and Facilitator on Collaborative Divorce teams since 2005 and has assisted more than 100 couples to move successfully through the Collaborative process. She also maintains a private psychotherapy practice in Charlotte. For information, please contact her at 704-246-5775 or kculligantherapist@gmail.com

Nobel Peace Prize – Say What?

By:  Deborah Dilman 

It’s true. In the fall of 2022 the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) was nominated for a 2023 Nobel Peace Prize!

Why, you ask? The answer to that question is because of their international efforts to change the way conflict in families is resolved. The same reason all of us have decided to become collaborative professionals– we want to transform the process and look for different, nondestructive ways to resolve conflict in families. And the reason most of the professionals associated with CCDP are also members of the IACP.

How cool is it that an organization whose members include many professionals practicing Collaborative in Charlotte are involved in has been nominated for a Peace Prize? Usually, it’s the scientists, the neurosurgeons (yes we do believe in rocket scientists being the smartest people ever), and novelists but maybe those industries or fields of professionals are just a niche, like peacemakers trying to allow couples to uncouple with respect and dignity. Welcome the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals to the team. The Nobel Peace Prize team.

The world is recognizing that the Peace Prize means much more to the world and, hence, the nomination for a 2023 Nobel Peace Prize. Wow!

Maybe those of us who practice Collaborative law are smarter, like rocket scientists, because we have figured out that divorce does not need to destroy families. Instead, couples can uncouple in a way that allows them to keep their dignity while also instilling values in the family that will likely remain intact throughout the family’s life. We have figured out a better way to handle divorce for people.

For those naysayers who pooh-pooh the effectiveness of Collaborative Law or Collaborative Practice as it is sometimes called, it is time that everyone takes notice. Couples who enter this process are smarter, as they recognize the need to remain civil with their former partner. And those who have been doing this work for 20 years or more, or those that are fairly new to this work, are also smarter because they have recognized that most couples, given the option and understanding the dynamics, would opt for a more peaceful process of uncoupling rather than spending tens of thousands of dollars and many, many months of protracted litigation – let alone the emotional issues that result from months and years of arguing and posturing to get the “win”. Figuratively, it’s a match made in heaven……and the world is taking notice.

No one wins when couples separate, but if done appropriately, there remains respect for each other and there is peace that comes when the separation is formalized. This respect and peace allow these individuals, predominantly parents, to return to their families feeling more secure and safe about their future because they know their former spouse has “their back” and they have the back of the former spouse.

This nomination is such confirmation that those involved with the Collaborative Practice have found something that works. And, the recognition will only continue from this point.

As you likely already know, the Collaborative Process is one of generally four options available to resolve your separation. If the International Academy of Divorce Professionals of which many of us are members is recognized for its efforts in transforming families during conflict, then let us all look to take pride in the more peaceful way we have decided to help people who are separating and join efforts in working towards a more peaceful resolution when uncoupling due to separation and divorce. Boom! Rocket Science brought down to Earth!

Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

Building a new life following a divorce can be very difficult. Where do you start? Settling your children? Finding single friends? A new job? Managing your own finances? How do you even begin dating or thinking about a new relationship? Just managing to settle into your new life seems difficult enough.

A divorce coach can be extremely helpful in guiding you to re-create the life you now wish to lead. In addition, a divorce coach can be a great resource to handle the difficult emotions that come, as you go through this process.

Taking everything one day at a time and being able to project into the future; seeing yourself in the life that you would like to lead; can be very helpful. The anxiety that arises with each step  can be, at times, very overwhelming. Learning how to picture your future, and see yourself more settled, can be very calming.

Transitions are the hardest thing we do as human beings. We see this every day when our children come home from school or we ourselves try to settle in after a long day at work, and especially now with our whole life in upheaval. Having a support system as you go through the transitions is one of the key factors to smooth the adjustment.

Often times, one of the things we don’t realize when we get divorced is that having friends to support you, and single friends to have activities with, is one of the hardest pieces. In addition, the weekdays are often filled with children’s activities, work, and friends. Weekends, though, can be extremely lonely and the time is often hard to fill, especially at first. There are many avenues to branch out in your new life, such as meet up groups, organized groups, and activities for single people, or people newly divorced. A coach can help you get to those resources, as well as normalize the anxiety you feel, as you begin to build your new life.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

During this difficult time are you coming together or coming apart?

How do you thrive during this difficult time rather than just survive?  With our Charlotte Shelter In Place order, so many are struggling to find a new “norm” day to day, week to week, until life returns to what we are used to. Ask those around you what their deepest fears are and surprisingly, most are not as concerned about catching the virus as they are with other fears. So many individuals are struggling financially with job losses, market changes, difficulty paying their bills.  Many are afraid to go out to the store or get through each day, not knowing what to do next or how to survive the loneliness.

How do you stay sane and stable during this difficult time?  What are we learning from this pandemic and how can we grow?  We have always assumed that life will continue day to day as “normal.”  We expect things to be the same each morning when we wake up and start our day. Sadly, we never entertain the possibility that things can change in an instant.  Life is always unpredictable yet we assume it to be stable and status quo as we know it.  We often believe we can control what happens to us and what our days will look like, yet we have now learned that control is an illusion and that the norm can change in a flash.

Presence, and mindfulness, are the way to live our lives and are the best tools to help us through this time.  So often we rush from chore to chore, place to place, meeting to meeting, without stopping to take in the moments.  During this time, we are learning that our experiences are precious, that the moments need to be valued, that we need to be present with the people we love and care about and the daily moments of our lives.  We need to stop, smell the flowers, take in the beautiful sunrises and sunsets and nature around us.  So many things in our lives are still the same ~ it is still spring, the trees and flowers are still blooming, the sun still rises each morning and sets each evening.  Hopefully the people we care about are still in our lives virtually for now, but soon to be back in social contact.  With social distancing, we are learning to remember what it feels like to hug people, to touch people around us, to value standing close to someone and also make eye contact, pay attention to the people around us and not fear being too close. 

Though we are safer, for now, to social distance, we need to open our eyes to remembering what is important in our lives.  What are your goals when life does return to normal?  What do you miss the most and what are you valuing in the extra time that you have, for now, to learn about yourself, to reach out virtually, to grow and most of all, to settle and learn to be in the moment?

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

What is The Role of a Collaborative Divorce Coach?

The services of a collaborative divorce coach are often engaged to assist individuals, or couples, going through this difficult transition. A divorce coach can often help guide couples through the difficult negotiations of a settlement, while simultaneously addressing the emotions involved in the process. It is totally normal for there to be fear, anger, and grief during the stages of a divorce. Regardless of whether the decision to divorce is mutual, or one partner makes the decision, both parties will often experience differing emotions that can be expressed during the coaching meetings.

Many techniques can be recommended for healing difficult emotions that will arise during this time. In addition, the goal is to build a new family structure with both individuals having new norms & rebuilding their lives. Meetings will be structured so that both parties’ needs are met and the goal is for mutual negotiation and collaboration.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

The Emotional Benefits of Collaborative Divorce

Divorcing collaboratively, instead of through litigation, has huge emotional benefits. When couples litigate there is typically more conflict involved and a lot more fear, & after effects, emotionally. One of the primary goals of the collaborative process is to build an amicable relationship that allows an easier transition out of the marriage, & into a new life. In addition, collaborative divorce enables families to stay relatively intact and encourages smoother co-parenting. When a couple is able to achieve this there is less negative emotional impact and each individual is able to build a new life in a more balanced manor. 

There are so many emotions involved in the dissolution of a marriage. When collaborative divorce is chosen by a couple, especially when a divorce coach is part of the process, the outcome is always more peaceful. Couples are able to equally have a say in the negotiations and a voice in the outcome. This alone allows for more empowerment and the ability to gain closure as people move forward. Building a new life in two separate households and maintaining an intact family unit more easily allows for a healthier outcome. This benefit, alone, allows for more manageable emotions and an increased long-term contentment for all involved in the future. 

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

A General Roadmap for the Collaborative Divorce Process

This article is adapted from “The Roadmap Of The Collaborative Divorce Process” by The Middle Tennessee Collaborative Alliance (MTCA) with Permission by the Interdisciplinary Collaborative Divorce Trainers (ICDT). A special thanks to my trainers: Julia A. McAninch, Psy.D., Benjamin Papa, JD and John Wade, CFP.

The stages of a collaborative divorce will vary depending on the complexity of finances, the legal issues, the intensity of emotions and the relationships involved. Below, I offer a general roadmap outlining the stages of the collaborative divorce process using a “full model” approach. The “full model” approach explained here refers to a process that includes two Attorneys, a Divorce Coach (Neutral Mental Health Professional) and a Neutral Financial Professional. This example does not include a Child Specialist, but please note there are other models and combinations of professionals that can be used. The stages will vary based on the needs of the clients involved.

STAGE ONE: Assembling Your Team

Often the first professionals to be hired are the collaborative attorneys. Your attorney can provide referrals for the divorce coach, financial neutral and if applicable, a child specialist. It is important for both parties to retain an attorney trained and committed to the collaborative divorce process.

In addition to the initial consultation with your attorney, the first meetings with the collaborative professionals are the intake meetings where clients are encouraged to begin thinking about goals for the divorce.

The divorce coach will work with the team to schedule the initial team meeting. In this meeting the Participation Agreement is reviewed and signed and the structure of future meetings is discussed. Any logistical details or urgent concerns are addressed. Future meetings as well as any additional one on one meetings with the professionals will likely be scheduled.

STAGE TWO: Information Gathering

The quality and efficiency of the process rely partially on the information and documents gathered.

The financial neutral will meet with clients and give homework which will be used to generate reports to be used in meetings for brainstorming and decision making. It is possible that the attorneys and divorce coach will also require homework to prepare for the meetings.

The divorce coach will meet with each client individually for additional meetings to address psychological and emotional issues relevant to the process.

The professionals may also meet without clients to discuss how to efficiently support both parties.

STAGE THREE: Team Meetings

It is important for all substantive negotiations to occur in the team meetings. This gives clients the opportunity to draw from the expertise of all three professions (legal, financial and psychological/emotional) and enhances the opportunity for clients to make decisions that are best for them and their family from a financial, legal and emotional perspective.

Clients meet with their attorneys and professionals on an individual basis, as needed, during the process and

The clients and professionals meet as a team to share information, discuss ideas, brainstorm and generate options for dealing with issues in the divorce.

If additional research or homework is advisable for clients to be able to make good decisions, the team will set a timeline to allow for completion and will schedule future meetings accordingly.

The clients will make agreements with the advice and help of the team.

STAGE FOUR: Finalizing and Implementing the Plan

After final agreements have been reached, the attorneys will draft appropriate legal documents necessary to finalize and implement a settlement.

Deb McNeill is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, providing therapy, coaching and counseling for individuals, couples and families dealing with difficult life transitions, relationship struggles, depression and anxiety.

Will My Children Be OK?

This is a question I hear about 100% of the time when I am coaching a client or couple who are going through divorce and have children.  They want someone to assure them their children will come through the divorce without bruises and scars.

Of course I cannot guarantee anyone their children will not be wounded by their parent’s divorce but I can help parent(s) make some conscious choices through their words and actions that will definitely keep the best interest of their children as a primary focus and goal.

Going through the process is emotional, financial and effects all aspects of life previously lived in a marriage.  Everyone will react and heal differently but never doubt that your children are watching you.  How well you cope and co-parent will be the biggest indicator of how well your children will do. 

Here are 3 important points to remember as you are parenting the children through and beyond your divorce.

1. Your kids are the kids and you are the adult.  They aren’t emotionally equipped to handle all the messy details, accusations, negotiations and fault finding that goes on during the divorce process.  Even if you are doing a good job of not sharing too much with them directly you should be consciously aware of when they are in earshot of your conversations.  Also be insightful to written information you leave lying around; guard your phone messages so they can’t hear things they don’t need to – as well as your texts, emails, Facebook post and the like – you never know when a child may intentionally or by mistake stumble onto information that isn’t healthy for them to know or see.

2. Don’t discuss adult issues with the kids.  Parents should erect an invisible fence around their divorcing hurts and reasons from their co-parenting responsibilities and sharing of the kids.  You will be in a relationship at some level as long as you have kids so work hard to make it as healthy for them as you can.  If you find you have allowed the boundaries between your fences to open – stop – reevaluate and put that fence back up. 

3. Set aside your own emotions as difficult as they may be and listen to your children.  Be respectful to your children – they are hurting and scared and need to know they are safe to share with you.  Try not to give more information than currently being asked for.  Encourage them to ask questions and talk when they are ready.  But you must also remember to be ready and willing to listen and hear what they are saying.

Kids are resilient.  They want to be free to love both their parents.  They want both their parents to love them.  They want to know both of their parents are ok and then they will trust they will also be ok.

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

How do we tell our children we are getting a divorce?

How are we going to tell the children?  The most common, and stress-filled questions I get from parents who are separating involve “who, what, where, when and how” information will be conveyed to their children that the family they have known is changing.  Regardless of how the parents feel about the separation and possible divorce, in most circumstances, knowing the hurt their children are about to experience can be paralyzing.  As a result, parents often delay the inevitable, sometimes continuing to live together in terrible tension until they feel like they have all the answers to the questions the children may have.

First, every situation is different. In some families, there is the presence of high conflict or family violence, or children with widely varying ages or cognitive abilities, or adult children who live outside the home.  Each of these circumstances requires a unique and alternate approach. However, certain considerations are universally important:

1. Children need to feel that they can still count on you to take care of them. Conveying love for them, strength, and confidence is important. Young children, especially, will take their cues from the parents about how catastrophic the event will be. It doesn’t serve them to believe it will be catastrophic, so with empathy and self-control, without misrepresenting or minimizing anything, do your best to assure them that things will be different, but okay.  Identifying sources of support – friends, family, and faith may be helpful as well.

2. Children need to feel free to love both parents, and not feel required to take sides. Absent a serious psychiatric issue that impacts safety, children do best long term if they have meaningful relationships with both parents. In many cases it’s helpful to consult with a therapist to talk through what you want to communicate. Especially if one party doesn’t want the divorce, it’s important to agree upon language that doesn’t create blame and division.  Acknowledging out loud that you both love them, and know they love both of you, and that they will continue to spend time with both of you is important. Choosing to tell them together, using “we” to refer to yourselves as parents, is helpful in addressing both of these first two items.

3. Children are egocentric.   Of paramount importance to them, regardless of their ages, is how they will be impacted personally. Will I have to move? Will I change schools? Who is going to pick me up from now on? Will we still be able to afford college? It’s likely you won’t yet have the answers to some of their questions. Answer the ones you can, and let them know that there are decisions about things that haven’t been made yet, but will be shared as things develop.

4. Children need to be children.  Listen to their questions, and recognize they may not have any initially, or any they are ready to ask. Don’t burden them with details they haven’t asked for. Use good judgment in responding to those they do. Recognize you may get the same questions over and over, as they process the answers, and try to be patient.

There is no question that the conversation will be difficult, but preparing ahead, and choosing a calm time with sufficient space around it, will allow you to begin with greater confidence – and that is something the children need to see.

Dr. Susan Campbell is a licensed clinical psychologist and consultant with expertise in attachment, divorce, trauma, anxiety, and learning differences, with over 25 years of professional experience helping children, adults and families live well.

The Role of a Divorce Coach

So the words have been spoken, “I want a divorce.”  It may be your choice, the choice may be being made for you – either case the next steps that follow are pivotal for the healing and success of you and your family.  However, most people do not have a lot of experience in how to divorce much less divorce well so they turn to their family, friends and co-workers for advice.  Many well-meaning people but they usually don’t possess much more education than you have and it may be severely lopsided because  they share from the lenses of how divorce has shown up in their own lives – personally (what they did or didn’t get…), a family member went through a divorce and they share that experience (you need to hire the “best” attorney in town…) or they may refer to a divorce realty show (judge Judy says…).  What you need is a Divorce Coach.

Divorce coaching is fairly new so let’s do some explaining about this professional role.  They should be trained with specific skills as a Divorce Coach and understand the divorce process well professionally (while having gone through a divorce themselves may be valuable it isn’t the only qualification!).

First, I want to say what a Divorce Coach will not do:

• Provide your legal advice (reserved for your attorney)

• Provide your therapy or counseling (reserved for your therapist)

• Provide your financial or tax advice (reserved for your CPA)

Second, I want to say what a Divorce Coach will coach their clients to do:

• Be solution-focused rather than be focused on the “win” in a divorce

• Be clear, specific and reasonable about theirs and their family’s need and wants

• Learn clear and effective communication skills to work effectively with their attorneys, other professionals, spouse and their children

• Truly concentrate on their children’s best interest rather than getting back at their spouse

• Build a professional divorce team that will serve their goals well (collaborative process, mediation, which attorney to choose, therapist needed, child specialist, CDFA – certified divorce financial analyst, CPA…)

• To become empowered and willing to move their lives forward

• Be able to participate meaningful in the divorce process

A Divorce Coach should complement the work and expertise provided by an attorney and helps the professional team communicate and work well together for the goal of their client.  A Divorce Coach should help their client be able to make better choices, communicate more effectively, balance their emotions, stay focused, and work toward a fair resolution of their divorce matter.  This then will be a win for the client!

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

After the Divorce Papers are Signed – What’s Next?

You have survived the divorces process but soon realize the signatures on the agreements didn’t free your emotions.  Yes, it certainly helps to get off that roller coaster but then there is another ride waiting called “rebuilding your life after the divorce”.

Your goal is inner peace, desire to face each day without feeling overwhelmed, release the fear, anger and resentment – to heal.  A divorce coach is skilled at helping your navigate a new path to your new normal.  The coaching process will help you:

• Move from confusion and frustration to a place of clarity

• Transcend the victim modality for a healthy sense of self esteem

• Gain a balanced understanding of both spouses’ roles in the demise of the marriage

• Focus on becoming the best single parent you can be by learning how to support your children during this transition in their lives and find a way create a new home, new traditions, and a new family model

• Tackle the challenges financially, getting your home in order, possibly entering the work force and building new friendships or repairing old ones

• Evaluate your attitude and where you need to let go of some negative energies and make room for some new positive energies to enter your space

• Work through the process of forgiveness, develop feelings of freedom and peace

• Learn to laugh, smile and start living again with purpose

Probably the most exhausting element of divorce is the story you tell yourself in your head.  We will deal with patterns of self-abusing thoughts, eliminate the need to blame others for your situation and learn to recognize and understand your feelings and not let your emotions run you.  It is time to write a new story.  A story where you are living forward and feel empowered to decide which life ride you choose to get on and when to get off of a ride that isn’t the best one for you and your future.

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

Self-Compassion Affirmation from your Divorce Coach

Divorce is no doubt one of the most challenging times of a person’s life.  The hurtful words spoken and actions taken leading up to the decision to divorce often continue right into the divorce process. 

For more than sixteen years working as a divorce Coach I hear and feel the beating a person’s self-worth takes because of the divorce – and this is true for the person who initiates the divorce as well as the person who has been left through the process of divorce. 

Speaking of divorce processes, as I always strongly recommend to my clients, take this step very seriously.  Be open to learn and hear about your options.  I have found the Collaborative Divorce process to be one that is more healing than others.  Choose well my friend.  But for now I would like to offer you what I offer all my clients as a sort of mantra to live by during this difficult season in hopes of offering themselves a little more self-compassion.

Today I will live through the next 24 hours and not try to tackle all my problems at once.

Today I will improve myself, body, mind and spirit.

Today I will refuse to spend time worrying about what might happen if…

Today I will not imagine what I would do if things were different. They are not different.  I will do my best with what resources I have.

Today I will find the grace to let go of resentments of others and self-condemnation over past mistakes.

Today I will not try to change, improve anybody but me.

Today I will act toward others as though this will be my last day on earth.

Today I will be unafraid.  I will enjoy what is beautiful, and I will believe that as I give to the world, the world will give to me.

Anonymously written

I hope you find these words inspirational as you walk the journey of divorce but as you walk through the rest of your days.  Be strong, be courageous and be present in your life.

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

What Do We Tell our Children?

As with any difficult news, there is never truly a “good time” to explain too your children that you will be separating. It does help though, to choose a time when they will be able to process the information and come back with questions later as they begin to digest the situation. Telling them on a Friday evening or Saturday morning allows them the weekend to do so without the pressure of school and other back-to-back commitments.

Ideally both parents are present during the discussion to reassure the children that they are both committed to on-going co-parenting, and that while the family will be restructured, they will still be a family. Regardless of the facts leading to a decision to separate, children only need to know that Mom and Dad have decided to separate and that neither is a “villain” or “victim”. This allows the children to focus on their own feelings and needs without assuming that they need to align with one parent over the other or take on the arduous task emotional care-taking of one of the parents. They do not need to know the details or reasons other than a general explanation, even if they ask you to explain. Parents model healthy boundaries when they respond that the details are private adult matters and the kids don’t need to know them.  What they need to know is that both parents will continue to love and care for them. They will likely have questions about the up-coming changes such as who will move out and how parenting time will be spent. Having a few answers before telling the children about the separation may help ease their anxiety. 

Maria Curran Ph.D., LPCS-Master’s level is a professional counselor and consultant with over 22 years of experience working with children, teens, adults and families utilizing expressive arts, play therapy, filial and reunification therapy as well as more traditional “talk” therapy. She is the director of the Center for Creativity and Healing, PC.

3 Reasons to Add a Collaborative Divorce Coach to Your Team

A collaborative divorce coach can provide many different services during the divorce process. Here are three primary roles if you engage the services of a coach:

1) Help negotiate agreements:

If your meetings are engaged as a couple with one coach, the role of the coach is to assist in the negotiations of your agreement. These negotiations may involve the creation of a parenting plan, holiday schedules, financial agreements & the smooth restructuring of your family. A collaborative agreement is signed with all of the professionals involved in your divorce proceedings and your coach can also guide you through the necessary steps of having a dignified and respectful divorce.

2)Individual Support:

If your needs are more for individual support throughout the divorce process, the role of the coach will be to provide services to allow for the processing of emotions and negotiations during this time of transition.

It is very normal to experience a wide range of emotions during this difficult time. These emotions may range from anger to sadness and at times to despair, fear and helplessness.

The role of a coach is to help empower you and guide you through the support and coping skills helpful during this transition.

3)Helping Parties Transition:

Future visioning guides us to look forward in our lives to a place where life will not feel quite so difficult. Coaching helps guide you through this transition time to a calmer place of rebuilding your life. The goal is to assist you in seeing what your life will be like when days don’t seem quite so overwhelming.

Rebuilding takes time but is always possible and the steps to arrive there are definitely more manageable when a coach is involved in the process. Coaching is aimed at guiding you to a time when the turmoil of this transition has passed, and you feel like you have landed on your feet in the new world you have created for yourself and your family.

Regardless of the role you engage your coach for, the confidentiality and support during the coaching process is invaluable for guiding you through the emotions that often arise during this difficult time.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

3 Reasons to Add a Child Specialist to the Collaborative Divorce Team

Divorce is one of the most stressful life events one can experience. On the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, it ranks above going to jail, and is second only to the death of a spouse. When children are involved, parents’ emotions are especially high, as they contemplate the impact of the divorce on their relationships with their children, and ways to maximize the children’s emotional health and physical wellbeing. In the context of all that stress, it helps to have someone neutral assist you in thoughtful decision-making on behalf of your children.

The collaborative approach to divorce has many benefits; chief among them is the opportunity to work with an expert who supports both the parents and children – the Child Specialist. A child specialist is a licensed clinician who works with the parents and team to bring the children’s voices and needs to the divorce process. There are obvious good reasons for that, but here are 3 to think about:

• You are the expert on your children. Sharing what you know about them with a professional who has deep and scientifically-based expertise in the experiences of children of different ages, temperaments, and special needs in the context of divorce will allow you to avoid a cookie cutter parenting plan. Instead, you will get feedback that allows for the crafting of a plan for co-parenting that meets the best interests of your unique family.

• Children often have many unspoken thoughts and fears about the divorce process. No matter what their ages and how close they are to their parents, they often don’t want to make anyone more sad or angry, or cause problems that could make things worse. The child specialist does not provide therapy, but an opportunity for children to give voice to their emotions (and often misunderstandings) which can be shared with the parents in a careful way. Children feel heard, and parents have the opportunity address issues early and effectively.

• A child specialist remains available to support the family with coaching after the divorce is final, as you continue to navigate the realities of the new way in which your family works.

You would go to a heart specialist for your heart, and an orthopedist for your bones. The collaborative model allows you to apply the same logic to your divorce, utilizing the unique expertise of team members to design an agreement that lets you to move forward in confidence and strength.

Dr. Susan Campbell is a licensed clinical psychologist and consultant with expertise in attachment, divorce, trauma, anxiety, and learning differences, with over 25 years of professional experience helping children, adults and families live well.

Settling Anxiety and Fear

How does a collaborative divorce coach settle anxiety and fear as you go through your divorce?

Anxiety and fear are the most common emotions experienced during the process of a divorce. Often these emotions are expressed as anger, or a feeling of helplessness, or overwhelm. Somatic experiencing is the easiest way to settle some of these feelings through the use of settling techniques that often help guide you through the current transition. The focus is on looking forward into the future when your life will be more settled.

Rebuilding your life, and maintaining your integrity, respect and family unit throughout a divorce are key to a smooth transition. A collaborative divorce coach focuses on couples maintaining an amicable relationship that focuses on their children as most important through this difficult time. Settling anxieties and fear are vital to creating a new life for yourself and your family.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.