Collaborative Divorce – How Can Mediation Benefit The Process

While one of the paramount goals in Collaborative Divorce is to avoid litigation, many families going through separation in the Collaborative Process will consider whether a mediation is necessary or beneficial.  Many couples disregard the option of mediation without understanding exactly how they might benefit from the process. Some believe mediation will be impossible because they cannot speak with their partner without fighting. Others have heard misinformation about substantial fees they will need to pay upfront, or that mediation is only for couples who want to reconcile their marriage. Still others are afraid that a mediation session will coerce them into compromising their needs.

These misconceptions prevent many people from taking advantage of an affordable, efficient, and low-stress opportunity for negotiation. No matter their situation, most couples will benefit from mediation and effectively avoid court battles capable of traumatizing everyone involved—especially children.

Here are 5 crucial facts to know about mediation:

1. Mediation is affordable. In nearly every case, mediation costs less than taking your case to the courtroom. According to the National Conflict Resolution Center, litigated divorce can often cost more than 3 times as much as mediated divorce. They also state that it is common for each party in a litigated divorce to pay $25,000 to $100,000 in attorney fees over the entirety of the case. Avoiding litigation in this way can help you safeguard your financial future.

2. Mediation is for everyone. Domestic partners, same-sex couples, spouses, and unmarried couples can all benefit from mediation. This process offers an informal and low-stakes environment for parties to establish fair terms regarding child visitation rights, property division, financial issues, and more. Even if you and your partner do not currently get along, mediation can be an effective negotiation method, because the mediator is trained to facilitate successful and productive sessions that meet the needs of both parties.

3. Mediation is confidential. Before a mediation session begins, all parties must sign confidentiality agreements. All offers, counteroffers, and settlement negotiations are inadmissible in subsequent court proceedings, and mediators are not permitted to testify using details discussed during mediation. Divorce (especially when contested) may be publicized due to the discovery process, in which both partners disclose personal and financial data so the court can make an informed decision.

4. Certified mediators are highly trained. These mediators have completed 40 hours of intensive training to receive their certification. They are uniquely qualified to provide necessary legal counsel, facilitate effective communication, and help you resolve your case with minimal stress and legal hurdles. Their goal is to offer solutions and support the development of arrangements that are fair to both parties.

5. Mediation is successful in nearly all cases. Most mediators report upwards of 80% success rates for family law mediation. Because of this significant potential for success, mediation is an investment that couples should seriously consider. Assuming divorce is the only option may needlessly result in heavy financial burdens, months of legal obstacles, and significantly higher levels of stress.

For many couples, the benefits of mediation will far outweigh the costs. Before taking your family matter or divorce to the courtroom, seek professional legal counsel from a Collaborative Divorce Professional and a certified mediator.

By Katie Miller

The Basics of Collaborative Divorce

Never heard of Collaborative Divorce? I’m not surprised. Unfortunately, it is rare that I meet with a client who has ever heard the term. I want to change that because I truly believe Collaborative Divorce is the best way for families to go about navigating the process of separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce (note the capital C and the capital D) is a method of dispute resolution for families going through separation and divorce. It is an alternative to litigation and what I call traditional negotiations. The most important aspects of Collaborative Divorce are:

• Respect: At the start of the process, the parties and the professionals involved make a commitment (in writing) to treating one another with respect throughout the process.

• Transparency: We also commit, in writing, to being forthcoming with the documents and information relevant to the issues of the case.

• Peace: The purpose of the Collaborative Process is for couples who are parting ways to find durable and lasting resolution of all issues arising out of their separation while minimizing conflict, thereby preserving relationships which enable couples to effectively co-parent. Note that this does not mean that Collaborative Divorce is only appropriate for couples who are amicable with one another despite their plans to separate.

• Customization: The Collaborative Divorce process is easily customized to meet the particular needs of any family.

• Privacy: Did you know that any document filed with the court system is public record and anyone can walk into the courthouse, pull your file, and view (and even photocopy) the contents of the file? In the Collaborative Process, you will never step foot in a courtroom full of strangers and no one will be filing pleadings with the court including salacious allegations about intimate aspects of your relationship with your spouse.

In a Collaborative case, both parties are represented by attorneys who are trained in Collaborative Divorce. In addition to Collaborative attorneys, other Collaboratively-trained professionals may be needed, depending on the needs of the case: a child specialist, financial neutral, and/or divorce coach. Each professional involved has the same Collaborative training and distinct roles working with the family. They also each sign the written Collaborative Participation Agreement at the start of the case.

The process involves a series of in-person meetings (or, perhaps if there is a pandemic going on, virtual meetings) between the parties and the professionals wherein needs and interests of each party are identified, options for resolution are evaluated, and agreements are fleshed out. Each case is different, but generally speaking, there are 4 or more meetings in the life of a Collaborative case. Outside of the meetings, there is a significant amount of legwork being done to prepare for the meetings, flesh out issues, and gather information.

I say Collaborative Divorce is the best way for families to transition through separation and divorce because it allows couples to resolve their differences in a way that minimizes the toxicity that naturally comes out of an adversarial process. In litigation, couples go before a judge and advocate for their respective positions and in so doing, throw mud at the other party. Emotions are raw, everyone (including children) is stressed, and no one comes out unscathed. The Collaborative Divorce process offers families a way of resolving differences with the help of professionals who are interested in seeing the family thrive and who genuinely care about what life on the other side of divorce looks like. And there is an added benefit – generally speaking, Collaborative Divorce tends to be significantly less expensive than the alternatives.

Courtney Hamer Smith is a board certified specialist in family law and partner with Tin Fulton Walker & Owen, PLLC. She is an active Collaborative Divorce practitioner and also a parenting coordinator. Courtney has practiced family law her entire career (since 2008).

Parenting Rules

In North Carolina, when most people think about Child Custody, they think about the type of custody schedule that will be in place for their children.  In other words, on what nights will the children be with one parent and on what nights will they be with the other parent.  While this is most certainly a large part of Child Custody in North Carolina, there are other considerations as well that are usually dealt with in a Child Custody Order, Consent Order, or Agreement.

One common group of Child Custody provisions in Orders, Consent Orders, and Child Custody Agreements are “Parenting Rules.”  As the name indicates, these are rules that apply specifically to parents and govern how they parent their children.  These rules vary from standard rules found in almost every custody arrangement, to rules specially tailored based on the children and the parents involved.

One of the most common “Parenting Rules” governs each parents rights to access their child via telephone  or some other electronic means (ex. Skype) while their child is in the other parent’s custody at the time.  Whereas some provisions of this nature might set specific times and duration for such calls, others might leave this area more general, yet still guarantee a parent’s right to speak with their child whenever they are not currently with them.  Yet another common “Parenting Rule” is the prohibition against speaking negatively about the other parent in the presence of the children.  The need to prohibit such conduct is obvious to most people, but it is important to have such a Rule in place so that it may be enforced if need be.

Although many “Parenting Rules” are common among Child Custody arrangement throughout the State, there are also often provisions that are specifically tailored to certain situations.  For example, if there is a history of one parent smoking while in a vehicle with the children, a Child Custody Order, Consent Order, or Agreement may prohibit such conduct to ensure the children’s safety.

As with everything in North Carolina Family Law, there is no “one size fits all” set of standards that will fit every family situation just right.  While certain common “Parenting Rules” might be advisable in most situations, other must be tailored to the family they affect.  Your collaborative divorce team is ready to work closely with you to help you tailor “Parenting Rules” that will benefit your children for years to come.

By Katie Miller

How does it help us to use a Financial Specialist as we negotiate the terms of our divorce?

A Financial Specialist (also called a Financial Neutral) is a neutral third party who works as a member of a Collaborative Law team to assist parties as needed.  Regardless of the assets and debts you have accumulated, a Financial Specialist can provide important and helpful information to you and your spouse.  For example, you may want to know:

• What is the best way to divide our assets and debts given our interests?

• How do we afford moving from one household to two?

• Is my spouse hiding money from me?

• Has my spouse spent money without telling me?

Among other things, a Financial Specialist will request documents from both parties, including statements for all accounts in the parties’ joint and sole names, review those documents, and then report to the parties and their attorneys on their present values and potential budgets.  If the Financial Specialist notices that statements for an account are missing, then he or she will request these statements.  As a group, and with the advice of the Financial Specialist, you and your spouse then generate options regarding dividing assets and debts and paying for expenses moving forward.  If you suspect your spouse is hiding assets or has spent money without telling you, then the Financial Specialist will be able to spot these issues so they can be addressed you and your Collaborative Law team.

The Financial Specialists who are members of CCDP are specifically trained in the Collaborative Law process and hold either a Certified Financial Planner (“CFP”) or Certified Public Accountant (“CPA”) designation, are in good standing with the Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (“CDFA”) designation.  For more information, please check out our Financial Neutral webpage: http://www.charlottecollaborativedivorce.org/financial-advisors/.

Dan Lewis is a family law attorney and NC DRC Family Financial Mediator in Charlotte, NC. He has been practicing Collaborative Law since 2009 and formerly served on the CCDP Board from 2013-2016. For more information about Dan, please see:http://www.hatcherlawgroup.com/attorneys/daniel-a-lewis.

The Trial Process is Open to the Public – Choosing Collaborative Process Protects Your Privacy

In North Carolina, our court system generally has an “open door” policy.  In other words, the trial process in North Carolina is generally open to the public except in certain situations.  This means that not only our trials open to the general public, but so are the records and pleadings associated with those cases. 

The general rationale for this long-held custom of American jurisprudence is that the courts must be open to the public so that they are accountable to the public.  Put simply, just as the public is able to judge the legislative and executive branch based on their actions and hold them responsible for same, citizens should be able to do the same with the judiciary.  Providing open access to the courts is the mechanism that allows for such accountability.

However, there is an alternative to the court system and your divorce or family law matter being put out for the public to see.  Collaborative Process eliminates the requirement of going to court, and helps families strategically settle all of their issues out of the public eye.

The goal of the collaborative process is to work in a respectful and cooperative manner applying the principles of collaborative law.  Your Collaborative Process will involce trained and certified members of the Charlotte Collaborative Divorce Professionals, with its membership being comprised of Family Law Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals, and Financial Professionals.  The goal of collaborative group practitioners is to individually craft your team and provide professional assistance for your divorce needs during this difficult transition.  If you believe the Collaborative Process is best for you and your family, contact any of our members today to start planning your private, customized Collaborative Divorce Process. 

By Katie Miller

Where Do I Begin?

Once you have decided to divorce, there is an important first step.

Stop. Second-guessing. Yourself.

This is a journey through an admittedly unsettling adjustment. It doesn’t have to result in long lasting trauma. To help you to avoid unnecessary abrasions, I’m offering 5 additional tools.

1. Develop an attitude of self responsibility for your future. No one else can decide your future as well as you. This is where freedom starts, and, with practice, confidence grows.

2. Take proactive steps to get support. Enlist your most trusted friends and a good therapist. They can help you to tune in to your priorities.  To be an internally divided house while dividing a household is counter-productive. 

3. It’s crucial to develop buffers of hope and a sense of personal agency. In divorce, there are points where you will naturally suffer from “enforced helplessness.”

Lab studies in rats, exposed to unavoidable shock, has helped us understand immune system compromise, from simply not having control over exposure to negative events. Psychologists use the term “learned helplessness” when describing this phenomena. The brain’s architecture can actually change from repeated, unmitigated exposure to unavoidable, negative events.

4.  Mindfulness meditation practices can effectively mediate the cascading emotions triggered by the negative and unavoidable divorce events you will encounter. In divorce, “Monkey Mind,” a Buddhist description of agitation, distraction, moving mind, often sets in. It’s easy to get lost in confusion and contradictions. 

In the midst of painful triggers (i.e., email from your spouse), deploy a mindset of detached curiosity about your own thinking… while noticing how a narrative develops. Notice thoughts “lightly.”  Let them pass by without building a story about them or making judgements of them. Simultaneously, tune in to physical sensations. Notice and watch-through the lens of a detached, curious scientist. Note and follow the natural flow of your breathing.

These simple strategies offer you protection from energy-sapping rabbit holes and the accompanying parade of costly stress hormones. 

5. Have you got second guessing under wraps? Decide next, how much authority you want in making decisions about your divorce. Evaluate the collaborative family law model. It’s designed to help you to be the judge and jury of your own future. 

Collaboratively trained family law professionals are bushwhacking the way to change-away from the learned helplessness narrative of the antiquated traditional divorce system.

Josh Goodman

529 Plans are worth a second look

When considering the financial aspects of a divorce, every asset is worth a second look. In many cases, the parties have 529 plans for their children’s college education. In most mediated settlements, the parties put the 529 plan in the children’s column and there is little discussion over which parent will manage the account. Most clients are not familiar with the rules and regulations that govern 529 plans.

Depending on your client’s financial situation, a 529 account can be a valuable asset. Obviously, most parents want their children to have the opportunity to attend college. However, the reality is 529 accounts are marital funds and the parties may need those funds now for a variety of reasons. A child may qualify for a student loan at a later date but your client can’t get a loan for their rent, food or healthcare coverage. If your client’s are forced to put their living expenses on credit cards due to their separation and divorce, they may get themselves into a debt situation in which they can’t provide for your children’s basic needs let alone college. Student loans typically have an interest rate of 7-8% while most credit cards have an interest rate of 12-24%. The reality is that 529 plans contain marital funds and the parties may need these funds for a variety of reasons.

The funds in a 529 plan can only be used without penalty for certain qualifying expenses such as tuition. If you take a nonqualified distribution, the earnings portion of that distribution will be taxed as ordinary income and could incur a 10% federal tax penalty. However, the penalty may be waived if there are extenuating circumstances, such as the disability or death of the beneficiary, or if the child receives a scholarship, veterans’ education assistance, or other nontaxable education payment that isn’t a gift or inheritance. Also keep in mind that the state income tax, in many states, may also be due on the amount you withdraw, and your state may impose an additional 10% penalty on earnings for nonqualified withdrawals.

Essentially, a 10% penalty is not that bad, we all have clients that choose to incur a penalty to cash out their IRA’s all the time. According to Amy Dieffenbach, CPA, you contribute to a 529 on an after-tax basis, so only the earnings from the 529 are taxable upon withdraw (if not used for educational purposes), not the principal. If the 529 has earned money, your client incur a 10% penalty on any earnings you withdraw (if not for educational purposes), and the earnings you withdraw will also be taxed as ordinary income at both the federal and state level. If you received a state tax deduction for your contributions, you may be required to pay taxes on the deductions as well, but only at the state level. If your 529 plan has lost money and you cash out the plan entirely, the IRS allows you to claim the loss as an itemized deduction. Basically, the custodian of the account has the ability to cash out the 529 plan for a penalty that is less than the interest rates on most credit cards. Are you writing language into your agreement that covers this possibility?

Here’s another thing to consider, in my state of North Carolina, residents who contribute to a North Carolina 529 plan receive a state income tax deduction of up to $2500 per contributor. This means that even if a North Carolina resident contributes more than $2,500 on behalf of multiple children, they are still only allowed to deduct a maximum of $2,500 on their return. Only one divorced spouse is permitted to be the custodian of the account. Is this tax deduction important to your client? Which parties have the ability and/or plan to continue to contribute to the plan? Did you even ask?

Most separation agreements require that the funds in a 529 plan be used for the children’s education but what happens if the money is not used for the child’s education for one reason or another. Don’t forget, we learned above that if you child gets a scholarship, the 10% penalty is waived so an ex-spouse who is custodian of the account could withdraw the funds without penalty and potentially keep the funds without consequence. The spouse in charge of the account also has the option to change the designated beneficiary to another member of the original beneficiary’s family. Under this provision, your client’s 529 plan which was meant for the benefit of their children could be used by an ex-spouse for one of their other children or step-children. Does the language in your agreement prevent this?

If your client takes money out of a 529 account for anything other than a qualifying expense, they will incur penalties. However, if they are in need of money now, it might be worth talking to an accountant to determine the exact penalty that your client will incur if they take a non-qualified distribution. A 10% penalty, for example, is a valid option when facing a financial crisis due to your separation and divorce.

It is important to discuss these various scenarios with your clients and determine the exact tax penalties for their given situation in order for them to be fully informed about their options. If your client has a 529 plan, it shouldn’t just be assigned to the children and a custodian of the account shouldn’t be assigned arbitrarily. Some of your clients may have significant assets in their 529 accounts or they could desperately be in need of these funds right now for a number of reasons. Either way, 529 plans deserve a second look. 

By Kristen Shearin, JD, CDFA

How to deal with inflammatory and accusatory communications from your co-parent

I recently attended a great continuing legal education seminar entitled “Managing High Conflict People: Advanced Skills for Family Law Professionals” presented by Bill Eddy.  I learned a lot, especially regarding productive ways for folks who are going through divorce to communicate with a high conflict partner.

It is not uncommon that my clients forward emails from their co-parent to me and ask for advice about how to respond. Often, the emails are accusatory and combative in nature. When this happens, things quickly become unproductive. Take Bill’s advice and send a “BIFF” response. BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm.

Don’t let yourself get caught up in throwing accusations back and forth, which could later be used as evidence against you. As co-parents, you and your former partner must be able to communicate effectively for the benefit of your child and you cannot do that if you are bickering back and forth by email.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

What is Collaborative Divorce?

When court proceedings and the threat of court are removed from the settlement process, the creativity, range and durability of settlement options greatly expands. Most attorneys have had the experience of settling cases on the courtroom steps, or even after a trial has started. By the time cases settle in this conventional context, however, a great deal of money has been spent, emotions have been exhausted, tensions have seethed and caused damaging conflict.

The collaborative divorce process offers a different approach from cases that settle in conventional settlement negotiations because there’s no court date pressure, threat of what a judge will do, or anxiety about having to make a quick decision that may very well, and likely will result in buyer’s or seller’s remorse.

Especially where children are involved, the goal of the collaborative process is to enable couples to reframe their relationship in a way that allows them to create their own satisfying resolution of their conflict. They may have failed at their marriage, but the collaborative process gives them the opportunity to find a solution for their divorce.

Irene King is the Founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she practices exclusively collaborative family law and serves as a certified mediator of family conflict. She is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.

Collaborative Law: An Overview

Collaborative Law is a means of dispute resolution whereby the parties and their attorneys work together to resolve the issues without involving or threatening adversarial litigation. Clients may opt out of the Collaborative Law process at any time so long as the client has not contractually limited their ability to withdraw. An attorney who agrees to represent a client collaboratively, however, is not permitted later to represent that client in adversarial litigation. A written agreement to work collaboratively to resolve the dispute is signed by the parties and their attorneys in the initial stage of the case. The collaborative agreement expressly eliminates adversarial litigation as an option for the attorney’s representation. Only by having the attorneys and their clients contractually agree in the initial stage of the case that they will not proceed to adversarial litigation or threaten litigation does the collaborative law concept have the best chance of succeeding.

Collaborative Law is focused on interest-based bargaining rather than position-based bargaining. Because parties typically have different interests, a win-win resolution is the goal to be achieved. With position-based bargaining, positions are staked out and only by compromise can the matter be solved.

The question is often asked as to why the attorney must withdraw from representing the client if the dispute is not settled. The simple answer is, if either party’s attorney can immediately file suit when things are not going well in negotiations, neither party will likely make every effort to resolve the case without litigation. If each party knows he or she must retain other counsel if the case is not resolved collaboratively, then each party will likely make the best effort to resolve the case amicably.

Undergoing Separation and Divorce is an emotionally draining experience even without court intervention. Litigation is not necessary for an equitable outcome to be achieved. Collaborative law enables parties to securely decide for themselves how their case will be resolved without unnecessary legal chaos. Attorneys assist with guidance and advice. Where appropriate, therapists, evaluators and neutral experts may be brought in to make recommendations and offer opinions and otherwise assist such that the dispute can be better resolved collaboratively. Collaborative Law, which has been used successfully in other jurisdictions for many years, hopefully will soon become a routine means of resolving family disputes in North Carolina. Considering the high emotional and financial costs of litigation, Collaborative Law is a refreshing change.

By: Laura B. Burt

Getting Started

Collaborative Divorce takes threats, hide-the ball tactics and court room battles off the table. It gives divorcing couples the choice to participate in a private, confidential process geared towards collective problem-solving. In a collaborative divorce, a team of professionals guides the couple through the emotional, legal and financial challenges facing them at the end of their marriage.

The process begins with each spouse consulting with and retaining his or her independent collaboratively trained attorney. The attorneys then confer about whether or not it is necessary to assemble an interdisciplinary team of professionals, including a divorce coach, child specialist, and/or financial neutral.

At the first meeting between collaborative attorneys and clients, everyone signs a Participation Agreement where they commit to negotiate respectfully, honestly, to voluntarily exchange documents and all material information and work together to find solutions to the legitimate needs of both parties, and, most importantly, their children.

The Collaborative Law process terminates if court action becomes and both attorneys are disqualified from any further involvement in the case.

There is a lot more to the process, so if the first steps above sound like the kind of divorce you wish to have, contact a collaboratively trained attorney to schedule a consultation.

Irene King is the Founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she practices exclusively collaborative family law and serves as a certified mediator of family conflict. She is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.

How are Negotiation and Mediation Different from a Collaborative Divorce?

While negotiation and mediation are tools to settle disputes, collaborative law proceedings involve an entirely different alternative to litigating in court. In collaborative law proceedings, you and your spouse each hire an attorney trained in the collaborative law process. Both sides and their lawyers enter into an agreement, which provides that all parties agree to the collaborative law process. Although the process may be lengthy, it enables the focus to shift away from the conflict and toward finding solutions. The attorneys become a part of the team supporting settlement rather than advocates adding to the conflict.

Talk to your lawyer about whether your case would be well suited to the collaborative law process.

By Josh Goodman

My spouse and I both want our divorce to be amicable. How can we keep it that way?

Find a lawyer who understands your goal to reach settlement and encourage your spouse to do the same. Consider choosing a lawyer that understands and has experience with collaborative law (a process that attempts to settle cases amicably and outside the adversarial court system).

Once you start the process, cooperate in the prompt voluntary exchange of necessary information. Then, ask your attorney about the options of negotiation and mediation for reaching an agreement. Even if you are not able to settle all of the issues in your divorce, these actions can increase the likelihood of agreement on many of issues that would be otherwise taken to court.

You and your spouse should be commended for your willingness to cooperate while focusing on moving through the divorce process. This will not only make your lives easier and save you money on attorney fees, but it is also more likely to result in an outcome you are both satisfied with.  In addition, collaborative law proceedings can reduce stress on the children by keeping them from being exposed (directly or in­ directly) to the adversarial litigation process.

By Josh Goodman

What are the Benefits of Collaborative Law?

You’re angry as hell at the spouse you thought you knew. You want to hire the meanest, toughest SOB divorce lawyer you can find and exact the retribution you deserve by going to court.

How could a judge not agree that your spouse is a complete (insert description here) and side with you on all issues? After all, you’re the one who’s being fair and reasonable, and you only want what’s in the children’s best interest, right?

In my law and mediation practice, I hear these things every day. People who once said “I do” are now saying “Screw you!”   They may demonize their spouse and the mother or father of their children.  They want justice in their divorce, and they think court is the way to get it.  I’m here to say it’s not.

It might be shocking for a lawyer to tell you to avoid court.  But there are ways to end a marriage that don’t involve a lawsuit.  Instruct your lawyer to use negotiation, mediation and collaborative law instead to get divorced, arrange child custody, and resolve your issues.  Here’s why.

Control – Think you’re going to win in court?  Think again. The reality in divorce court is no one wins. Judges hear polar opposite perspectives and “facts” from parties and often decide somewhere between those positions.  Very often both parties are equally frustrated with the judge’s decision. By walking into court, you give up any ability to control the outcome.

Cost – TV isn’t real life.  The real-life court system is over-burdened and inefficient and absolutely NOTHING happens quickly. There are thousands of pending cases before yours.  Count on it taking months, if not years, from start to finish and much more in attorney fees than you ever thought remotely possible. Closure – Life is too short to spend so much time with lawyers and devote time, energy and money on the never-ending negativity you’ll experience in court.  Your spouse will never agree with you on what caused your marriage to end.  Instead of continuing to insist you’re right, insist on problem solving and moving on.

Children – Surely the most important reason. If you want to nearly guarantee that your children will suffer, then file that lawsuit.

By going to court, you ask a third party to decide what’s in the best interests of your kids. Judges don’t know your kids and they surely don’t love your kids.  Why are you letting lawyers or judges decide on what’s in the best interests of your children?

Once the judge makes a decision, either you or your ex feel screwed or worse. Your feelings of animosity against your ex grow. Your children see, hear and feel everything that is said and just as importantly what is not, both before and after court.  They may even be called upon to act as witnesses about you and your ex.

In the months and years afterwards, they’re scared to talk about the other parent for fear of disappointing you. They worry what one parent will think at the soccer field if they approach or say anything to the other parent.

These feelings carry on well into adulthood as you and your ex despise each other for years to come. Your children, even as adults, still worry about you at their graduations, their weddings, and the births of your grandkids!

Would it then surprise you to watch them repeat your behavior in their own relationships or marriage? It shouldn’t. Kids model their behavior after yours, now and later.

That’s why I urge you to find a way, through negotiation, mediation, or collaborative law, to compromise with your soon-to-be-ex and develop a solution that works for you and your kids.

Negotiation is just what it sounds like – the parties and their lawyers attempt to settle issues out of court by negotiating and problem solving.  In mediation, the parties do this with the help of their lawyers and a third-party neutral person.  Collaborative law is a model designed to streamline negotiation and problem-solving.

Twenty years from now, your family’s destiny may be different because you followed this advice today.

Attorney Rob Blair is a board-certified specialist in family law.  After beating his head against the litigation wall for years, he focuses his practice on alternative dispute resolution, including negotiation, mediation, and collaborative law. Business North Carolina magazine named him the top family law attorney in North Carolina on its 2016 list of “Legal Elite.”

Why Do I Have to Produce All These Documents?

When you see the list of documents that will be gathered and exchanged by you and your spouse in the collaborative process, it will probably seem overwhelming.  However, the documents are essential to the process for a number of reasons. First, transparency is essential to productive negotiation.

You cannot be expected to negotiate in good faith without being fully informed about the subject matter about which you are negotiating. You should not expect your spouse or your spouse’s lawyer to rely solely on your word; the attorneys involved must advise their clients and in order to do that, they must be informed.

Second, the collaborative law agreement you and your spouse signed at the start of the process requires you to be forthcoming with documents and information (even when it is not requested of you!).

Third, the documents exchanged are documents that each party would be entitled to if you were going to court, and you would be required to produce the documents to your spouse in that setting. The professionals involved in your case are aware of the amount of time it will take you to gather all of the documents needed, but be assured that the documentation you have been asked to gather is essential to the process.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

The Value of a Financial Neutral (From a Collaborative Lawyer’s Perspective)

When I first began my collaborative practice, I wondered why a financial neutral was necessary.  I routinely prepare spreadsheets detailing marital assets and liabilities for purposes of negotiating division of property.  I also work with my clients to prepare budgets (or financial affidavits) detailing income and expenses for use in discussions of spousal support and child support. So why would I need a financial neutral to do those things? 

After being involved in cases with and without a financial neutral, I am an advocate for involving a financial neutral in cases involving financial issues, particularly alimony.  For one, involving a financial neutral can save both parties money.  You may be surprised to hear that, but it’s true.  Instead of having both lawyers inventory all documents in the case and each prepare their own version of the marital assets and debts spreadsheet, the financial neutral will be primarily responsible for that. 

Both sides of the case will have copies of all relevant documents, but the financial neutral will be responsible for creating one spreadsheet of the marital assets and debts for use by all involved in the case.  It also helps to have someone who is a neutral in the case presenting financial data to the parties. 

My client’s spouse is much more likely to receive and trust financial information presented by a financial neutral not affiliated with either side than they are receiving that same information from me.  Involving a financial neutral may also help to make your discussions regarding spousal support more about the numbers and less about the emotion involved. 

Discussing spousal support is always challenging, so having financial data about each party’s income, needs, expenses, and the impact to each spouse of a hypothetical spousal support amount is incredibly helpful.  If your collaborative attorney suggests you consider bringing on a financial neutral, hear him or her out because it may prove very helpful in your case.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

Should I Trust a Recommendation from My Spouse’s Collaborative Attorney About Who to Hire to Represent Me?

Here is a common hypothetical scenario to consider: you and your spouse are preparing to separate, or have recently separated, and your spouse has hired a collaborative lawyer to represent him/her. You have not yet hired an attorney and so your spouse provides you with names of other collaborative attorneys who his/her attorney recommends for you to meet with. Should you trust these recommendations?

The short answer is yes, and let me explain why. In order for the collaborative process to work, there must be some fundamental trust: trust in the process you have chosen; trust between the professionals involved; and, to some extent, trust between you and your spouse that you will participate in the process in good faith. The relationship between the two collaborative attorneys involved in your case will have a significant impact on how efficient and productive the process ends up being. When I make recommendations to my client’s spouse regarding a collaborative attorney to represent him/her, I recommend attorneys with whom I have worked well in the past on collaborative cases and attorneys whom I know well enough to feel comfortable doing a collaborative case. I would never recommend someone I do not respect because I know that having an effective and trustworthy lawyer on the opposite of the case increases the likelihood of a durable and lasting resolution for the parties.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

The Role of a Collaborative Attorney

When you think of a divorce attorney, a scary image may come to mind – an image of someone who is gruff, competitive, uncompromising, and ready to fight out every issue in a courtroom. While this may be a true depiction of some divorce attorneys, it is not representative of them all. In fact, a Collaborative Divorce Attorney is a divorce attorney who, while always zealously advocating for you, the client, sees the divorce as a problem to be solved instead of a competition between you and your spouse to be fought tooth and nail.

A Collaborative Divorce Attorney is equipped with training and experience in certain negotiation techniques designed to facilitate a mutually acceptable and durable agreement between you and your spouse resolving all issues related to divorce. Unlike other divorce attorneys, the Collaborative Divorce Attorney is limited in their representation in that he or she will not represent you in any contested litigation proceeding. This allows both you and your Collaborative Divorce Attorney to focus on achieving a lasting resolution to issues stemming from the divorce without the threat of potential court action.

Your Collaborative Divorce Attorney will ensure you enter the Collaborative Process with informed consent after considering the risks and benefits of the process. Your attorney will maintain attorney-client privilege with you throughout the process while educating you about the law, your finances, and the facts necessary to make informed decisions to resolve all issues. Your attorney will listen to your needs, goals, and interests and ensure your voice is heard throughout the process. Your attorney will communicate with the other professionals to maintain the process and work to problem-solve as a team. Most importantly, your attorney will advocate for you and assist you in resolving all issues in a way that best meets your long-term goals and that of your family.

If you are contemplating the Collaborative Divorce process and want to learn more or meet with a Collaborative Divorce Attorney, check out www.charlottecollaborativedivorce.org for more information.

Jennifer P. Moore is a Senior Associate Attorney with Marcellino & Tyson, PLLC whose family history instilled in her a compassion for her clients and desire to assist them in their time of need with the goal of becoming stronger and happier after divorce. Yourncattorney.com.

The Magic of the Collaborative Divorce Process- Why Should Court Be off the Table?

Remember the game of tug of war? We muster all the strength to pull in opposite directions, everybody gets muddy and we all fall down. It’s a game of strength, not endurance.

The magic of the collaborative divorce process is that when lawyers and their clients all pull together in the same direction, they build the endurance to collectively work through issues to solve conflicts.

By taking the fallback option of court off the table, any resolution becomes the responsibility of the collaborative team. No judge is waiting to declare a winner or loser. Rather, the outcome is solely up to the collaborative team.

When each person realizes that solving the conflict is the responsibility of the collaborative team, that’s when the magic happens. Through voluntary disclosure, 4-way meetings and discussion of the parties’ needs and priorities, the collaborative team can find lasting solutions to the most challenging issues in divorce.

Irene King is the Founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she practices exclusively collaborative family law and serves as a certified mediator of family conflict. She is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.

Why Choose the Collaborative Divorce Process?

When court proceedings and the threat of court are removed from the settlement process, the creativity, range and durability of settlement options greatly expands. Most attorneys have had the experience of settling cases on the courtroom steps, or even after a trial has started. By the time cases settle in this conventional context, however, a great deal of money has been spent, emotions have been exhausted, tensions have seethed and caused damaging conflict.

The collaborative divorce process offers a different approach from cases that settle in conventional settlement negotiations because there’s no court date pressure, threat of what a judge will do, or anxiety about having to make a quick decision that may very well, and likely will result in buyer’s or seller’s remorse.

Especially where children are involved, the goal of the collaborative process is to enable couples to reframe their relationship in a way that allows them to create their own satisfying resolution of their conflict. They may have failed at their marriage, but the collaborative process gives them the opportunity to find a solution for their divorce.

Irene King is the Founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she practices exclusively collaborative family law and serves as a certified mediator of family conflict. She is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.