What is the Difference Between Collaborative Divorce and “collaborative style?”

Learn the Difference Between Collaborative Divorce and “collaborative style?”
By Dan Lewis

The major difference between Collaborative Divorce and “collaborative style” negotiation is that with Collaborative Divorce the parties and their attorneys sign a Collaborative Divorce Participation Agreement.  This agreement contains the vital provision that if the process does not result in a settlement, then the parties’ attorneys must withdraw from their representation and each party must either hire a new attorney or choose to proceed without legal counsel.

A “collaborative style” negotiation involves the similar exchange of documents and information, but with the threat of litigation looming over the parties and most often through sending written proposals/counter proposals between attorneys.  While Collaborative Divorce is practiced throughout North Carolina and is set forth in North Carolina law, many attorneys are either unaware of this confidential settlement option or lack the experience and/or understanding of how it works.  This tends to lead many attorneys to steer clients away from Collaborative Divorce as a viable option for dispute resolution.

Dan Lewis is a partner with Tin Fulton Walker & Owen, PLLC, in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He has exclusively practiced family law since 2005, is a North Carolina Certified Family Financial Mediator, and has been practicing Collaborative law since 2009.

What is Collaborative Training for the Professionals on my Team?

Learn more about Collaborative Training for the Professionals on my Team?

By Irene King 

Collaborative training is a specialized form of professional development and training for lawyers, financial professionals, and mental health professionals who are committed to guiding clients to resolve their divorce-related issues through the Collaborative process and outside of the adversarial court system.

Introductory training is typically at least 14 hours and provides an overview of the Collaborative process, as well as specific tools and techniques that can be used to help clients reach a mutually agreeable and durable settlement.  In addition, the training offers a shift in thinking, often called the “paradigm shift,” that gives practitioners a new mindset to navigate the emotional, financial, and legal issues and conflict that arises in a goal-oriented and interest-based way.  By completing introductory Collaborative divorce training, professionals learn how to work as a team to guide clients and generate options that work for every family member.  Collaborative professionals often have training in non-violent communication, mediation, neuroscience, interdisciplinary teamwork, and other types of training to have a level of understanding of what clients experience during the separation and divorce process. The commitment to teamwork and healthy communication techniques gives professionals advanced skills to resolve issues related to parenting plans and decision-making responsibilities, property division, and spousal support issues in an efficient and effective manner.

As an experienced Collaborative professional will tell you, the paradigm shift is an ongoing journey that each professional must stay committed to and hone as part of Collaborative practice.  Often, the first training is just the beginning.  Professionals who dedicate themselves to this work delve deep, uplevel their skills in both introductory and advanced training, and devote themselves to lifelong learning on a professional and personal level. By committing to a high level of competence in the Collaborative process, skilled professionals will deliver the highest and best work for families to transition through divorce in the healthiest way possible.

Irene King is the founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she is a Collaborative attorney, a certified mediator of family conflict, and works with clients to have the healthiest divorce transition possible. She has 18 years of experience and is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts peacefully and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.

How Is Collaborative Divorce Different From Mediation?

Learn How Collaborative Divorce Is Different From Mediation
By Dan Lewis

As a family law attorney and certified family financial mediator, I have spoken with many individuals who are unaware of how Collaborative Divorce and mediation are actually defined and the differences between these alternative dispute resolution methods.  This is understandable as one would only need to know this information if they experienced family law issues.  The fact is that Collaborative Divorce and mediation are both alternative dispute resolution models that parties use to settle legal issues and have a relatively high likelihood of success where parties compromise to avoid going to court and move on with their lives.  However, there are stark differences between these two models.

Collaborative Divorce
“Collaborative Divorce” is a means of dispute resolution based upon the parties’ interests where they work together with their attorneys to resolve family law issues.  Through a series of meetings (in-person, virtual, or a combination), parties and their attorneys discuss each issue and generate options for settlement where the parties maintain control of the outcome.  At times, third-party neutral professionals, such as divorce coaches and financial professionals, assist the parties and the attorneys as needed and as agreed upon by your collaborative team.

Very importantly, a distinctive element of the Collaborative Divorce process is the signing of a Collaborative Divorce Participation Agreement by the parties and their attorneys. This agreement contains the vital provision that if the process does not result in a settlement, then the parties’ attorneys must withdraw from their representation.  Additionally, the written agreement sets forth various rules, including:

• Respect for one another, the attorneys, and the process;

• The voluntary exchange of documents and information; and

• That all statements made by a spouse, all documents exchanged, and all reports or work product generated during the process, are confidential and inadmissible in court.

Mediation
Mediation is a confidential settlement discussion between parties that is facilitated by a trained, neutral third party to assist in resolving disputes through positional negotiation.  Like Collaborative Divorce, in mediation, the parties control the outcome rather than a judge. The mediator cannot give legal advice to either party and does not decide who is right or wrong. Instead, the mediator facilitates by attempting to reach a compromise.

Parties can choose to attend mediation before going to Court or once their case is pending, and can attend with attorneys or without them. Sometimes the parties are in the same room for mediation sessions and sometimes they are in separate rooms where the mediator moves back and forth to discuss settlement proposals/counter proposals.  Mediation may take up to one day or over multiple sessions depending on the complexity of the issues and the ability of the parties to compromise. If a compromise is reached, an attorney drafts the settlement documents setting forth the agreement reached in mediation.  If you have a child custody case pending in North Carolina, then you are required to attend mediation per North Carolina law.  If you have financial issues pending in North Carolina, then you are required to complete some form of Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), and mediation is a commonly used option.

Dan Lewis is a partner with Tin Fulton Walker & Owen, PLLC, in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He has exclusively practiced family law since 2005, is a North Carolina Certified Family Financial Mediator, and has been practicing Collaborative law since 2009.

How to get divorced with a collaborative agreement

Question:  If my spouse and I sign a collaborative agreement not to go to court, how do we get divorced?
By Heidi S. Risser

Answer:
The collaborative agreement, which is signed by each party and their attorneys, should explain that necessary interactions with the court are not precluded by signing the collaborative agreement.  Even after a case has been settled, certain contacts with the court are required in North Carolina.  Two examples are: (1) obtaining a divorce, and (2) filing a “friendly” action requesting that the court divide retirement assets through a Qualified Domestic Relations Order.  If a court order is being used to settle the issues of child support and/or child custody, or any other issues, then those settlement terms would be included in a consent order and signed by a judge.  Your collaborative attorney(s) will know how to handle these matters without having hearings or trials, and without violating the spirit of the collaborative agreement and the collaborative process.

Heidi Risser is a Charlotte attorney at Risser Law focusing on family law.  Risser strongly believes that Collaborative law methods can be used in most cases to avoid litigation and find good solutions to families wrestling with the issues surrounding separation, division of assets, custody, child support, and divorce.  Ms. Risser has used these methods for many years to help clients find solutions that meet their families’ needs and goals.  

Role of Attorney in Collaborative Divorce?

What is the Role of the Attorney in Collaborative Divorce?
By Dan Lewis 

The attorneys in Collaborative Divorce make up one-half of the Collaborative team along with their clients.  While advocacy in Collaborative Divorce may appear to be different from the traditional divorce process, rest assured that your attorney always advocates for your best interests.  The attorneys perform many vital roles in Collaborative Divorce, including:

• Assists each participant in evaluating conflict resolution process choices;

• Assists each participant in gathering and analyzing information;

• Helps each participant clarify and express goals, needs and interests during negotiations in service of developing workable settlement options and packages;

• Helps each participant evaluate consequences and limitations of possible solutions with the other attorney, helps each participant and both participants, as needed, to understand the role and limits of the law in negotiating mutually acceptable solutions;

• Helps each participant weigh settlement options in relation to identified personal and collective values and interests;

• With the other attorney, guides and facilitates negotiations;

• With the other attorney, manages conflicts and differences during the negotiation process;

• Prepares the required legal documentation of the settlement, including agreements, consent orders to be signed and filed by the court, as necessary; and

• Helps each participant negotiate post-divorce agreements, as needed.

Dan Lewis is a partner with Tin Fulton Walker & Owen, PLLC, in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He has exclusively practiced family law since 2005, is a North Carolina Certified Family Financial Mediator, and has been practicing Collaborative law since 2009.

What are my Options for Choosing a Divorce Process?

Do-It-Yourself
In a world where everything has a “DIY” option, divorce is no exception. Also known as the “kitchen table” divorce, this option assumes you and your spouse have an agreement on all issues and you complete all documents related to the divorce yourself, or one of you hires an attorney to draft a legally binding separation agreement and the other spouse hires an attorney to review the separation agreement.  This is likely the lowest-cost option and the one in which a couple has all control over the outcome. It can be very helpful to have a consultation with an attorney before engaging in a DIY option to ensure you understand the legal consequences of your decisions.

Mediation
Mediation involves a neutral third person who facilitates the settlement negotiations between you and your spouse.  You can choose to be represented by an attorney, or you can mediate without an attorney “pro se.”  The mediator meets with you and your spouse to facilitate the resolution of all issues relating to the separation and divorce. A mediator cannot give legal advice to either of you in mediation and cannot draft any legally binding documents. When an agreement is reached, the mediator may prepare a summary of the terms.  An independent attorney must draft the legally binding settlement documents.

Collaborative Divorce Process
Collaborative divorce process is an innovative approach to divorce and gives you and your spouse the opportunity to negotiate the terms of your divorce with the guidance and support of professionals trained in the Collaborative process, with a commitment to resolve all issues out-of-court.  Each spouse is represented by an attorney trained in the Collaborative process, and together you customize your divorce team. This team can include a financial neutral, a divorce coach/facilitator, and/or a child specialist.  The process is transparent and focuses on creating a safe, family-focused environment to make intelligent, long-lasting decisions. While the law is one data point to consider when going through a divorce, this process promotes creative problem-solving that skillfully crafts a customized solution for each family. A win-win approach is used to maximize resources and especially craft an outcome that’s based on what’s most important to all family members. Each spouse is encouraged to consider not only their own needs, but the needs of their family as a whole, and to work with the support of the team to redefine the family.  Collaborative divorce builds the scaffolding to solidify a new foundation for you to co-parent in a healthy way, divide property and allocate resources in a practical way, and ensure each family member is set up for success in the next chapter of your life.

Settlement Negotiations
Settlement negotiations through attorneys typically stop just short of a decision made by a judge in a traditional litigated divorce. Negotiations may take place after a lawsuit has been filed, and issues may settle through mediation, or through attorney-led written proposals and counter-proposals. Negotiation between attorneys often goes back and forth over time until a settlement is reached and settlement documents are prepared and executed. A judge does not decide the divorce settlement, but the threat of going through with depositions, discovery, court hearings, and all of the gamesmanship associated with litigation to obtain a judge’s decision is often the driving force behind the settlement.

Traditional Litigation
Litigation is a long, expensive process.  When couples have no ability to make any decisions themselves and file a lawsuit to have a judge make decisions for them, they are in litigation.  This option ensures a fight and escalation of conflict at every stage of the process.  The couple loses all control over decision-making and chooses to expend all resources, time, and effort and ensure the transactional, practical, and emotional fallout of a litigated divorce.  Often, children are the true victims of a litigated divorce; although even in families without children, a litigated divorce is expensive, intensely emotional, and traumatic.  Sometimes a settlement is accomplished on the courtroom steps just before a trial begins, but even if a settlement is reached, it’s typically accomplished at a time when the parties are out of resources, exhausted, or as a result of bullying and coercive tactics. Parties may be dissatisfied with the result of litigation because they had zero input during the process and relied on a stranger to make life-changing, permanent decisions for the family.

Irene King is the founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she is a Collaborative attorney, a certified mediator of family conflict, and works with clients to have the healthiest divorce transition possible. She has 18 years of experience and is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts peacefully and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.

What is Collaborative Divorce

“Collaborative Divorce” is a means of dispute resolution where the parties (called “participants”) and their attorneys agree to work together to resolve their family law issues without involving or threatening adversarial litigation.  North Carolina law specifically recognizes this process as an alternative to litigation for those who do not want to go to court.

During this confidential process, each participant has an attorney to assist in creative problem-solving of issues ranging from child custody, division of assets and debts, and support.  Third-party neutral professionals, such as divorce coaches and financial professionals, assist the participants and the attorneys as needed and as agreed upon by your collaborative team.  Through a series of meetings (in-person, virtual, or a combination), participants and their attorneys discuss each issue and generate options for settlement where the parties maintain control of the outcome.  Compared to litigation, which can result in a scorched earth view of the other party, Collaborative Divorce often leads to more durable agreements, positive relationships for the future (especially important when co-parenting children), and solid foundations as participants move to the next chapter in their lives.

A distinctive element of the Collaborative Divorce process is the signing of a Collaborative Divorce Participation Agreement by the participants and their attorneys. This agreement contains the vital provision that if the process does not result in a settlement, then the participants’ attorneys must withdraw from their representation.  Additionally, the written agreement sets forth various rules, including:

• Respect for one another, the attorneys, and the process;

• The voluntary exchange of documents and information; and

• That all statements made by a participant, all documents exchanged, and all reports or work products generated during the process are confidential and inadmissible in court.

Dan Lewis is a partner with Tin Fulton Walker & Owen, PLLC, in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He has exclusively practiced family law since 2005, is a North Carolina Certified Family Financial Mediator, and has been practicing Collaborative law since 2009.

Collaborative Divorce – How Can Mediation Benefit The Process

While one of the paramount goals in Collaborative Divorce is to avoid litigation, many families going through separation in the Collaborative Process will consider whether a mediation is necessary or beneficial.  Many couples disregard the option of mediation without understanding exactly how they might benefit from the process. Some believe mediation will be impossible because they cannot speak with their partner without fighting. Others have heard misinformation about substantial fees they will need to pay upfront, or that mediation is only for couples who want to reconcile their marriage. Still others are afraid that a mediation session will coerce them into compromising their needs.

These misconceptions prevent many people from taking advantage of an affordable, efficient, and low-stress opportunity for negotiation. No matter their situation, most couples will benefit from mediation and effectively avoid court battles capable of traumatizing everyone involved—especially children.

Here are 5 crucial facts to know about mediation:

1. Mediation is affordable. In nearly every case, mediation costs less than taking your case to the courtroom. According to the National Conflict Resolution Center, litigated divorce can often cost more than 3 times as much as mediated divorce. They also state that it is common for each party in a litigated divorce to pay $25,000 to $100,000 in attorney fees over the entirety of the case. Avoiding litigation in this way can help you safeguard your financial future.

2. Mediation is for everyone. Domestic partners, same-sex couples, spouses, and unmarried couples can all benefit from mediation. This process offers an informal and low-stakes environment for parties to establish fair terms regarding child visitation rights, property division, financial issues, and more. Even if you and your partner do not currently get along, mediation can be an effective negotiation method, because the mediator is trained to facilitate successful and productive sessions that meet the needs of both parties.

3. Mediation is confidential. Before a mediation session begins, all parties must sign confidentiality agreements. All offers, counteroffers, and settlement negotiations are inadmissible in subsequent court proceedings, and mediators are not permitted to testify using details discussed during mediation. Divorce (especially when contested) may be publicized due to the discovery process, in which both partners disclose personal and financial data so the court can make an informed decision.

4. Certified mediators are highly trained. These mediators have completed 40 hours of intensive training to receive their certification. They are uniquely qualified to provide necessary legal counsel, facilitate effective communication, and help you resolve your case with minimal stress and legal hurdles. Their goal is to offer solutions and support the development of arrangements that are fair to both parties.

5. Mediation is successful in nearly all cases. Most mediators report upwards of 80% success rates for family law mediation. Because of this significant potential for success, mediation is an investment that couples should seriously consider. Assuming divorce is the only option may needlessly result in heavy financial burdens, months of legal obstacles, and significantly higher levels of stress.

For many couples, the benefits of mediation will far outweigh the costs. Before taking your family matter or divorce to the courtroom, seek professional legal counsel from a Collaborative Divorce Professional and a certified mediator.

By Katie Miller

The Basics of Collaborative Divorce

Never heard of Collaborative Divorce? I’m not surprised. Unfortunately, it is rare that I meet with a client who has ever heard the term. I want to change that because I truly believe Collaborative Divorce is the best way for families to go about navigating the process of separation and divorce.

Collaborative Divorce (note the capital C and the capital D) is a method of dispute resolution for families going through separation and divorce. It is an alternative to litigation and what I call traditional negotiations. The most important aspects of Collaborative Divorce are:

• Respect: At the start of the process, the parties and the professionals involved make a commitment (in writing) to treating one another with respect throughout the process.

• Transparency: We also commit, in writing, to being forthcoming with the documents and information relevant to the issues of the case.

• Peace: The purpose of the Collaborative Process is for couples who are parting ways to find durable and lasting resolution of all issues arising out of their separation while minimizing conflict, thereby preserving relationships which enable couples to effectively co-parent. Note that this does not mean that Collaborative Divorce is only appropriate for couples who are amicable with one another despite their plans to separate.

• Customization: The Collaborative Divorce process is easily customized to meet the particular needs of any family.

• Privacy: Did you know that any document filed with the court system is public record and anyone can walk into the courthouse, pull your file, and view (and even photocopy) the contents of the file? In the Collaborative Process, you will never step foot in a courtroom full of strangers and no one will be filing pleadings with the court including salacious allegations about intimate aspects of your relationship with your spouse.

In a Collaborative case, both parties are represented by attorneys who are trained in Collaborative Divorce. In addition to Collaborative attorneys, other Collaboratively-trained professionals may be needed, depending on the needs of the case: a child specialist, financial neutral, and/or divorce coach. Each professional involved has the same Collaborative training and distinct roles working with the family. They also each sign the written Collaborative Participation Agreement at the start of the case.

The process involves a series of in-person meetings (or, perhaps if there is a pandemic going on, virtual meetings) between the parties and the professionals wherein needs and interests of each party are identified, options for resolution are evaluated, and agreements are fleshed out. Each case is different, but generally speaking, there are 4 or more meetings in the life of a Collaborative case. Outside of the meetings, there is a significant amount of legwork being done to prepare for the meetings, flesh out issues, and gather information.

I say Collaborative Divorce is the best way for families to transition through separation and divorce because it allows couples to resolve their differences in a way that minimizes the toxicity that naturally comes out of an adversarial process. In litigation, couples go before a judge and advocate for their respective positions and in so doing, throw mud at the other party. Emotions are raw, everyone (including children) is stressed, and no one comes out unscathed. The Collaborative Divorce process offers families a way of resolving differences with the help of professionals who are interested in seeing the family thrive and who genuinely care about what life on the other side of divorce looks like. And there is an added benefit – generally speaking, Collaborative Divorce tends to be significantly less expensive than the alternatives.

Courtney Hamer Smith is a board certified specialist in family law and partner with Tin Fulton Walker & Owen, PLLC. She is an active Collaborative Divorce practitioner and also a parenting coordinator. Courtney has practiced family law her entire career (since 2008).

Parenting Rules

In North Carolina, when most people think about Child Custody, they think about the type of custody schedule that will be in place for their children.  In other words, on what nights will the children be with one parent and on what nights will they be with the other parent.  While this is most certainly a large part of Child Custody in North Carolina, there are other considerations as well that are usually dealt with in a Child Custody Order, Consent Order, or Agreement.

One common group of Child Custody provisions in Orders, Consent Orders, and Child Custody Agreements are “Parenting Rules.”  As the name indicates, these are rules that apply specifically to parents and govern how they parent their children.  These rules vary from standard rules found in almost every custody arrangement, to rules specially tailored based on the children and the parents involved.

One of the most common “Parenting Rules” governs each parents rights to access their child via telephone  or some other electronic means (ex. Skype) while their child is in the other parent’s custody at the time.  Whereas some provisions of this nature might set specific times and duration for such calls, others might leave this area more general, yet still guarantee a parent’s right to speak with their child whenever they are not currently with them.  Yet another common “Parenting Rule” is the prohibition against speaking negatively about the other parent in the presence of the children.  The need to prohibit such conduct is obvious to most people, but it is important to have such a Rule in place so that it may be enforced if need be.

Although many “Parenting Rules” are common among Child Custody arrangement throughout the State, there are also often provisions that are specifically tailored to certain situations.  For example, if there is a history of one parent smoking while in a vehicle with the children, a Child Custody Order, Consent Order, or Agreement may prohibit such conduct to ensure the children’s safety.

As with everything in North Carolina Family Law, there is no “one size fits all” set of standards that will fit every family situation just right.  While certain common “Parenting Rules” might be advisable in most situations, other must be tailored to the family they affect.  Your collaborative divorce team is ready to work closely with you to help you tailor “Parenting Rules” that will benefit your children for years to come.

By Katie Miller

How does it help us to use a Financial Specialist as we negotiate the terms of our divorce?

A Financial Specialist (also called a Financial Neutral) is a neutral third party who works as a member of a Collaborative Law team to assist parties as needed.  Regardless of the assets and debts you have accumulated, a Financial Specialist can provide important and helpful information to you and your spouse.  For example, you may want to know:

• What is the best way to divide our assets and debts given our interests?

• How do we afford moving from one household to two?

• Is my spouse hiding money from me?

• Has my spouse spent money without telling me?

Among other things, a Financial Specialist will request documents from both parties, including statements for all accounts in the parties’ joint and sole names, review those documents, and then report to the parties and their attorneys on their present values and potential budgets.  If the Financial Specialist notices that statements for an account are missing, then he or she will request these statements.  As a group, and with the advice of the Financial Specialist, you and your spouse then generate options regarding dividing assets and debts and paying for expenses moving forward.  If you suspect your spouse is hiding assets or has spent money without telling you, then the Financial Specialist will be able to spot these issues so they can be addressed you and your Collaborative Law team.

The Financial Specialists who are members of CCDP are specifically trained in the Collaborative Law process and hold either a Certified Financial Planner (“CFP”) or Certified Public Accountant (“CPA”) designation, are in good standing with the Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (“CDFA”) designation.  For more information, please check out our Financial Neutral webpage: http://www.charlottecollaborativedivorce.org/financial-advisors/.

Dan Lewis is a family law attorney and NC DRC Family Financial Mediator in Charlotte, NC. He has been practicing Collaborative Law since 2009 and formerly served on the CCDP Board from 2013-2016. For more information about Dan, please see:http://www.hatcherlawgroup.com/attorneys/daniel-a-lewis.

Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

Building a new life following a divorce can be very difficult. Where do you start? Settling your children? Finding single friends? A new job? Managing your own finances? How do you even begin dating or thinking about a new relationship? Just managing to settle into your new life seems difficult enough.

A divorce coach can be extremely helpful in guiding you to re-create the life you now wish to lead. In addition, a divorce coach can be a great resource to handle the difficult emotions that come, as you go through this process.

Taking everything one day at a time and being able to project into the future; seeing yourself in the life that you would like to lead; can be very helpful. The anxiety that arises with each step  can be, at times, very overwhelming. Learning how to picture your future, and see yourself more settled, can be very calming.

Transitions are the hardest thing we do as human beings. We see this every day when our children come home from school or we ourselves try to settle in after a long day at work, and especially now with our whole life in upheaval. Having a support system as you go through the transitions is one of the key factors to smooth the adjustment.

Often times, one of the things we don’t realize when we get divorced is that having friends to support you, and single friends to have activities with, is one of the hardest pieces. In addition, the weekdays are often filled with children’s activities, work, and friends. Weekends, though, can be extremely lonely and the time is often hard to fill, especially at first. There are many avenues to branch out in your new life, such as meet up groups, organized groups, and activities for single people, or people newly divorced. A coach can help you get to those resources, as well as normalize the anxiety you feel, as you begin to build your new life.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

The Trial Process is Open to the Public – Choosing Collaborative Process Protects Your Privacy

In North Carolina, our court system generally has an “open door” policy.  In other words, the trial process in North Carolina is generally open to the public except in certain situations.  This means that not only our trials open to the general public, but so are the records and pleadings associated with those cases. 

The general rationale for this long-held custom of American jurisprudence is that the courts must be open to the public so that they are accountable to the public.  Put simply, just as the public is able to judge the legislative and executive branch based on their actions and hold them responsible for same, citizens should be able to do the same with the judiciary.  Providing open access to the courts is the mechanism that allows for such accountability.

However, there is an alternative to the court system and your divorce or family law matter being put out for the public to see.  Collaborative Process eliminates the requirement of going to court, and helps families strategically settle all of their issues out of the public eye.

The goal of the collaborative process is to work in a respectful and cooperative manner applying the principles of collaborative law.  Your Collaborative Process will involce trained and certified members of the Charlotte Collaborative Divorce Professionals, with its membership being comprised of Family Law Attorneys, Mental Health Professionals, and Financial Professionals.  The goal of collaborative group practitioners is to individually craft your team and provide professional assistance for your divorce needs during this difficult transition.  If you believe the Collaborative Process is best for you and your family, contact any of our members today to start planning your private, customized Collaborative Divorce Process. 

By Katie Miller

During this difficult time are you coming together or coming apart?

How do you thrive during this difficult time rather than just survive?  With our Charlotte Shelter In Place order, so many are struggling to find a new “norm” day to day, week to week, until life returns to what we are used to. Ask those around you what their deepest fears are and surprisingly, most are not as concerned about catching the virus as they are with other fears. So many individuals are struggling financially with job losses, market changes, difficulty paying their bills.  Many are afraid to go out to the store or get through each day, not knowing what to do next or how to survive the loneliness.

How do you stay sane and stable during this difficult time?  What are we learning from this pandemic and how can we grow?  We have always assumed that life will continue day to day as “normal.”  We expect things to be the same each morning when we wake up and start our day. Sadly, we never entertain the possibility that things can change in an instant.  Life is always unpredictable yet we assume it to be stable and status quo as we know it.  We often believe we can control what happens to us and what our days will look like, yet we have now learned that control is an illusion and that the norm can change in a flash.

Presence, and mindfulness, are the way to live our lives and are the best tools to help us through this time.  So often we rush from chore to chore, place to place, meeting to meeting, without stopping to take in the moments.  During this time, we are learning that our experiences are precious, that the moments need to be valued, that we need to be present with the people we love and care about and the daily moments of our lives.  We need to stop, smell the flowers, take in the beautiful sunrises and sunsets and nature around us.  So many things in our lives are still the same ~ it is still spring, the trees and flowers are still blooming, the sun still rises each morning and sets each evening.  Hopefully the people we care about are still in our lives virtually for now, but soon to be back in social contact.  With social distancing, we are learning to remember what it feels like to hug people, to touch people around us, to value standing close to someone and also make eye contact, pay attention to the people around us and not fear being too close. 

Though we are safer, for now, to social distance, we need to open our eyes to remembering what is important in our lives.  What are your goals when life does return to normal?  What do you miss the most and what are you valuing in the extra time that you have, for now, to learn about yourself, to reach out virtually, to grow and most of all, to settle and learn to be in the moment?

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

Where Do I Begin?

Once you have decided to divorce, there is an important first step.

Stop. Second-guessing. Yourself.

This is a journey through an admittedly unsettling adjustment. It doesn’t have to result in long lasting trauma. To help you to avoid unnecessary abrasions, I’m offering 5 additional tools.

1. Develop an attitude of self responsibility for your future. No one else can decide your future as well as you. This is where freedom starts, and, with practice, confidence grows.

2. Take proactive steps to get support. Enlist your most trusted friends and a good therapist. They can help you to tune in to your priorities.  To be an internally divided house while dividing a household is counter-productive. 

3. It’s crucial to develop buffers of hope and a sense of personal agency. In divorce, there are points where you will naturally suffer from “enforced helplessness.”

Lab studies in rats, exposed to unavoidable shock, has helped us understand immune system compromise, from simply not having control over exposure to negative events. Psychologists use the term “learned helplessness” when describing this phenomena. The brain’s architecture can actually change from repeated, unmitigated exposure to unavoidable, negative events.

4.  Mindfulness meditation practices can effectively mediate the cascading emotions triggered by the negative and unavoidable divorce events you will encounter. In divorce, “Monkey Mind,” a Buddhist description of agitation, distraction, moving mind, often sets in. It’s easy to get lost in confusion and contradictions. 

In the midst of painful triggers (i.e., email from your spouse), deploy a mindset of detached curiosity about your own thinking… while noticing how a narrative develops. Notice thoughts “lightly.”  Let them pass by without building a story about them or making judgements of them. Simultaneously, tune in to physical sensations. Notice and watch-through the lens of a detached, curious scientist. Note and follow the natural flow of your breathing.

These simple strategies offer you protection from energy-sapping rabbit holes and the accompanying parade of costly stress hormones. 

5. Have you got second guessing under wraps? Decide next, how much authority you want in making decisions about your divorce. Evaluate the collaborative family law model. It’s designed to help you to be the judge and jury of your own future. 

Collaboratively trained family law professionals are bushwhacking the way to change-away from the learned helplessness narrative of the antiquated traditional divorce system.

Josh Goodman

529 Plans are worth a second look

When considering the financial aspects of a divorce, every asset is worth a second look. In many cases, the parties have 529 plans for their children’s college education. In most mediated settlements, the parties put the 529 plan in the children’s column and there is little discussion over which parent will manage the account. Most clients are not familiar with the rules and regulations that govern 529 plans.

Depending on your client’s financial situation, a 529 account can be a valuable asset. Obviously, most parents want their children to have the opportunity to attend college. However, the reality is 529 accounts are marital funds and the parties may need those funds now for a variety of reasons. A child may qualify for a student loan at a later date but your client can’t get a loan for their rent, food or healthcare coverage. If your client’s are forced to put their living expenses on credit cards due to their separation and divorce, they may get themselves into a debt situation in which they can’t provide for your children’s basic needs let alone college. Student loans typically have an interest rate of 7-8% while most credit cards have an interest rate of 12-24%. The reality is that 529 plans contain marital funds and the parties may need these funds for a variety of reasons.

The funds in a 529 plan can only be used without penalty for certain qualifying expenses such as tuition. If you take a nonqualified distribution, the earnings portion of that distribution will be taxed as ordinary income and could incur a 10% federal tax penalty. However, the penalty may be waived if there are extenuating circumstances, such as the disability or death of the beneficiary, or if the child receives a scholarship, veterans’ education assistance, or other nontaxable education payment that isn’t a gift or inheritance. Also keep in mind that the state income tax, in many states, may also be due on the amount you withdraw, and your state may impose an additional 10% penalty on earnings for nonqualified withdrawals.

Essentially, a 10% penalty is not that bad, we all have clients that choose to incur a penalty to cash out their IRA’s all the time. According to Amy Dieffenbach, CPA, you contribute to a 529 on an after-tax basis, so only the earnings from the 529 are taxable upon withdraw (if not used for educational purposes), not the principal. If the 529 has earned money, your client incur a 10% penalty on any earnings you withdraw (if not for educational purposes), and the earnings you withdraw will also be taxed as ordinary income at both the federal and state level. If you received a state tax deduction for your contributions, you may be required to pay taxes on the deductions as well, but only at the state level. If your 529 plan has lost money and you cash out the plan entirely, the IRS allows you to claim the loss as an itemized deduction. Basically, the custodian of the account has the ability to cash out the 529 plan for a penalty that is less than the interest rates on most credit cards. Are you writing language into your agreement that covers this possibility?

Here’s another thing to consider, in my state of North Carolina, residents who contribute to a North Carolina 529 plan receive a state income tax deduction of up to $2500 per contributor. This means that even if a North Carolina resident contributes more than $2,500 on behalf of multiple children, they are still only allowed to deduct a maximum of $2,500 on their return. Only one divorced spouse is permitted to be the custodian of the account. Is this tax deduction important to your client? Which parties have the ability and/or plan to continue to contribute to the plan? Did you even ask?

Most separation agreements require that the funds in a 529 plan be used for the children’s education but what happens if the money is not used for the child’s education for one reason or another. Don’t forget, we learned above that if you child gets a scholarship, the 10% penalty is waived so an ex-spouse who is custodian of the account could withdraw the funds without penalty and potentially keep the funds without consequence. The spouse in charge of the account also has the option to change the designated beneficiary to another member of the original beneficiary’s family. Under this provision, your client’s 529 plan which was meant for the benefit of their children could be used by an ex-spouse for one of their other children or step-children. Does the language in your agreement prevent this?

If your client takes money out of a 529 account for anything other than a qualifying expense, they will incur penalties. However, if they are in need of money now, it might be worth talking to an accountant to determine the exact penalty that your client will incur if they take a non-qualified distribution. A 10% penalty, for example, is a valid option when facing a financial crisis due to your separation and divorce.

It is important to discuss these various scenarios with your clients and determine the exact tax penalties for their given situation in order for them to be fully informed about their options. If your client has a 529 plan, it shouldn’t just be assigned to the children and a custodian of the account shouldn’t be assigned arbitrarily. Some of your clients may have significant assets in their 529 accounts or they could desperately be in need of these funds right now for a number of reasons. Either way, 529 plans deserve a second look. 

By Kristen Shearin, JD, CDFA

What is The Role of a Collaborative Divorce Coach?

The services of a collaborative divorce coach are often engaged to assist individuals, or couples, going through this difficult transition. A divorce coach can often help guide couples through the difficult negotiations of a settlement, while simultaneously addressing the emotions involved in the process. It is totally normal for there to be fear, anger, and grief during the stages of a divorce. Regardless of whether the decision to divorce is mutual, or one partner makes the decision, both parties will often experience differing emotions that can be expressed during the coaching meetings.

Many techniques can be recommended for healing difficult emotions that will arise during this time. In addition, the goal is to build a new family structure with both individuals having new norms & rebuilding their lives. Meetings will be structured so that both parties’ needs are met and the goal is for mutual negotiation and collaboration.

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

The Emotional Benefits of Collaborative Divorce

Divorcing collaboratively, instead of through litigation, has huge emotional benefits. When couples litigate there is typically more conflict involved and a lot more fear, & after effects, emotionally. One of the primary goals of the collaborative process is to build an amicable relationship that allows an easier transition out of the marriage, & into a new life. In addition, collaborative divorce enables families to stay relatively intact and encourages smoother co-parenting. When a couple is able to achieve this there is less negative emotional impact and each individual is able to build a new life in a more balanced manor. 

There are so many emotions involved in the dissolution of a marriage. When collaborative divorce is chosen by a couple, especially when a divorce coach is part of the process, the outcome is always more peaceful. Couples are able to equally have a say in the negotiations and a voice in the outcome. This alone allows for more empowerment and the ability to gain closure as people move forward. Building a new life in two separate households and maintaining an intact family unit more easily allows for a healthier outcome. This benefit, alone, allows for more manageable emotions and an increased long-term contentment for all involved in the future. 

Ann Kreindler-Siegel, LCSW, MSW, MAEd, SEP, BCC is a somatic experiencing psychotherapist & board certified coach who specializes in collaborative divorce coaching. She has been practicing in the profession of psychotherapy for over 25 years and has increased her practice to provide divorce coaching to couples to support them through this transition in their lives and families.

How to deal with inflammatory and accusatory communications from your co-parent

I recently attended a great continuing legal education seminar entitled “Managing High Conflict People: Advanced Skills for Family Law Professionals” presented by Bill Eddy.  I learned a lot, especially regarding productive ways for folks who are going through divorce to communicate with a high conflict partner.

It is not uncommon that my clients forward emails from their co-parent to me and ask for advice about how to respond. Often, the emails are accusatory and combative in nature. When this happens, things quickly become unproductive. Take Bill’s advice and send a “BIFF” response. BIFF stands for brief, informative, friendly, and firm.

Don’t let yourself get caught up in throwing accusations back and forth, which could later be used as evidence against you. As co-parents, you and your former partner must be able to communicate effectively for the benefit of your child and you cannot do that if you are bickering back and forth by email.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

What is Collaborative Divorce?

When court proceedings and the threat of court are removed from the settlement process, the creativity, range and durability of settlement options greatly expands. Most attorneys have had the experience of settling cases on the courtroom steps, or even after a trial has started. By the time cases settle in this conventional context, however, a great deal of money has been spent, emotions have been exhausted, tensions have seethed and caused damaging conflict.

The collaborative divorce process offers a different approach from cases that settle in conventional settlement negotiations because there’s no court date pressure, threat of what a judge will do, or anxiety about having to make a quick decision that may very well, and likely will result in buyer’s or seller’s remorse.

Especially where children are involved, the goal of the collaborative process is to enable couples to reframe their relationship in a way that allows them to create their own satisfying resolution of their conflict. They may have failed at their marriage, but the collaborative process gives them the opportunity to find a solution for their divorce.

Irene King is the Founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she practices exclusively collaborative family law and serves as a certified mediator of family conflict. She is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.