Collaborative Law: An Overview

Collaborative Law is a means of dispute resolution whereby the parties and their attorneys work together to resolve the issues without involving or threatening adversarial litigation. Clients may opt out of the Collaborative Law process at any time so long as the client has not contractually limited their ability to withdraw. An attorney who agrees to represent a client collaboratively, however, is not permitted later to represent that client in adversarial litigation. A written agreement to work collaboratively to resolve the dispute is signed by the parties and their attorneys in the initial stage of the case. The collaborative agreement expressly eliminates adversarial litigation as an option for the attorney’s representation. Only by having the attorneys and their clients contractually agree in the initial stage of the case that they will not proceed to adversarial litigation or threaten litigation does the collaborative law concept have the best chance of succeeding.

Collaborative Law is focused on interest-based bargaining rather than position-based bargaining. Because parties typically have different interests, a win-win resolution is the goal to be achieved. With position-based bargaining, positions are staked out and only by compromise can the matter be solved.

The question is often asked as to why the attorney must withdraw from representing the client if the dispute is not settled. The simple answer is, if either party’s attorney can immediately file suit when things are not going well in negotiations, neither party will likely make every effort to resolve the case without litigation. If each party knows he or she must retain other counsel if the case is not resolved collaboratively, then each party will likely make the best effort to resolve the case amicably.

Undergoing Separation and Divorce is an emotionally draining experience even without court intervention. Litigation is not necessary for an equitable outcome to be achieved. Collaborative law enables parties to securely decide for themselves how their case will be resolved without unnecessary legal chaos. Attorneys assist with guidance and advice. Where appropriate, therapists, evaluators and neutral experts may be brought in to make recommendations and offer opinions and otherwise assist such that the dispute can be better resolved collaboratively. Collaborative Law, which has been used successfully in other jurisdictions for many years, hopefully will soon become a routine means of resolving family disputes in North Carolina. Considering the high emotional and financial costs of litigation, Collaborative Law is a refreshing change.

By: Laura B. Burt

Since We are Separated Now, Should We File Separate Tax Returns?

During the time that a couple is separated, and prior to the divorce decree, it can be quite confusing to determine how to file the income tax returns.   There are many filing statuses that seem to be available, but how do you know which one is right for you?  Married Filing Joint?  Married Filing Separate?  Single?  Head of Household?  The filing status that you use for a tax year is determined based on your marital status on December 31.  Let’s look briefly at each filing status.

Single

This filing status is only applicable after the divorce has been finalized.  Once the divorce is final, this filing status is used for any taxpayer who does not provide the main home for more than half the year for a dependent.

Head of Household

Typically, this filing status is only available after the divorce and is available to the parent whose home is the principal residence for more than half the year for one or more of the children.  In limited circumstances, a taxpayer may be eligible to file a tax return using the Head of Household filing status prior to divorce.  In order to qualify, all of the following tests must be met:

1. Taxpayer files a separate tax return

2. Taxpayer paid more than half the cost of keeping his or her home for the year.

3. Taxpayer’s spouse did not live in the home for the last 6 months of the tax year.

4. Taxpayer’s home was the main home for more than half the year for a dependent child.

Tax rates for the Head of Household filing status are much closer to the tax rates for Married Filing Joint and, therefore, this can be an advantageous filing status for some taxpayers who are separated from their spouse but not yet divorced and for whom the Married Filing Joint filing status is not an option.

Married Filing Separate

While it may seem like the logical choice after you have separated, the general rule of thumb is that the worst tax rates are applied to those who choose Married Filing Separate.  More income is taxed at higher tax rates, and several credits and deductions may be lost.  There are limited occasions where the Married Filing Separate may be a more advantageous filing status from a tax perspective, but they are rare.   And there may be some circumstances where, although the tax incurred will be higher, this filing status is a more prudent choice for a taxpayer.

Married Filing Joint

In general, this filing status offers the best tax rates for more of a family’s income and allows several more credits and deductions to be used.  If at all possible and prudent, I recommend that clients work toward filing jointly until the divorce is finalized.

Cathlean Utzig is a CPA and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst with her own private tax practice focusing on individuals, small businesses and families in transition.

A General Roadmap for the Collaborative Divorce Process

This article is adapted from “The Roadmap Of The Collaborative Divorce Process” by The Middle Tennessee Collaborative Alliance (MTCA) with Permission by the Interdisciplinary Collaborative Divorce Trainers (ICDT). A special thanks to my trainers: Julia A. McAninch, Psy.D., Benjamin Papa, JD and John Wade, CFP.

The stages of a collaborative divorce will vary depending on the complexity of finances, the legal issues, the intensity of emotions and the relationships involved. Below, I offer a general roadmap outlining the stages of the collaborative divorce process using a “full model” approach. The “full model” approach explained here refers to a process that includes two Attorneys, a Divorce Coach (Neutral Mental Health Professional) and a Neutral Financial Professional. This example does not include a Child Specialist, but please note there are other models and combinations of professionals that can be used. The stages will vary based on the needs of the clients involved.

STAGE ONE: Assembling Your Team

Often the first professionals to be hired are the collaborative attorneys. Your attorney can provide referrals for the divorce coach, financial neutral and if applicable, a child specialist. It is important for both parties to retain an attorney trained and committed to the collaborative divorce process.

In addition to the initial consultation with your attorney, the first meetings with the collaborative professionals are the intake meetings where clients are encouraged to begin thinking about goals for the divorce.

The divorce coach will work with the team to schedule the initial team meeting. In this meeting the Participation Agreement is reviewed and signed and the structure of future meetings is discussed. Any logistical details or urgent concerns are addressed. Future meetings as well as any additional one on one meetings with the professionals will likely be scheduled.

STAGE TWO: Information Gathering

The quality and efficiency of the process rely partially on the information and documents gathered.

The financial neutral will meet with clients and give homework which will be used to generate reports to be used in meetings for brainstorming and decision making. It is possible that the attorneys and divorce coach will also require homework to prepare for the meetings.

The divorce coach will meet with each client individually for additional meetings to address psychological and emotional issues relevant to the process.

The professionals may also meet without clients to discuss how to efficiently support both parties.

STAGE THREE: Team Meetings

It is important for all substantive negotiations to occur in the team meetings. This gives clients the opportunity to draw from the expertise of all three professions (legal, financial and psychological/emotional) and enhances the opportunity for clients to make decisions that are best for them and their family from a financial, legal and emotional perspective.

Clients meet with their attorneys and professionals on an individual basis, as needed, during the process and

The clients and professionals meet as a team to share information, discuss ideas, brainstorm and generate options for dealing with issues in the divorce.

If additional research or homework is advisable for clients to be able to make good decisions, the team will set a timeline to allow for completion and will schedule future meetings accordingly.

The clients will make agreements with the advice and help of the team.

STAGE FOUR: Finalizing and Implementing the Plan

After final agreements have been reached, the attorneys will draft appropriate legal documents necessary to finalize and implement a settlement.

Deb McNeill is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, providing therapy, coaching and counseling for individuals, couples and families dealing with difficult life transitions, relationship struggles, depression and anxiety.

Getting Started

Collaborative Divorce takes threats, hide-the ball tactics and court room battles off the table. It gives divorcing couples the choice to participate in a private, confidential process geared towards collective problem-solving. In a collaborative divorce, a team of professionals guides the couple through the emotional, legal and financial challenges facing them at the end of their marriage.

The process begins with each spouse consulting with and retaining his or her independent collaboratively trained attorney. The attorneys then confer about whether or not it is necessary to assemble an interdisciplinary team of professionals, including a divorce coach, child specialist, and/or financial neutral.

At the first meeting between collaborative attorneys and clients, everyone signs a Participation Agreement where they commit to negotiate respectfully, honestly, to voluntarily exchange documents and all material information and work together to find solutions to the legitimate needs of both parties, and, most importantly, their children.

The Collaborative Law process terminates if court action becomes and both attorneys are disqualified from any further involvement in the case.

There is a lot more to the process, so if the first steps above sound like the kind of divorce you wish to have, contact a collaboratively trained attorney to schedule a consultation.

Irene King is the Founder of King Collaborative Family Law in Charlotte, NC, where she practices exclusively collaborative family law and serves as a certified mediator of family conflict. She is committed to guiding clients in resolving their conflicts and rebuilding for the future with integrity and dignity.

Will My Children Be OK?

This is a question I hear about 100% of the time when I am coaching a client or couple who are going through divorce and have children.  They want someone to assure them their children will come through the divorce without bruises and scars.

Of course I cannot guarantee anyone their children will not be wounded by their parent’s divorce but I can help parent(s) make some conscious choices through their words and actions that will definitely keep the best interest of their children as a primary focus and goal.

Going through the process is emotional, financial and effects all aspects of life previously lived in a marriage.  Everyone will react and heal differently but never doubt that your children are watching you.  How well you cope and co-parent will be the biggest indicator of how well your children will do. 

Here are 3 important points to remember as you are parenting the children through and beyond your divorce.

1. Your kids are the kids and you are the adult.  They aren’t emotionally equipped to handle all the messy details, accusations, negotiations and fault finding that goes on during the divorce process.  Even if you are doing a good job of not sharing too much with them directly you should be consciously aware of when they are in earshot of your conversations.  Also be insightful to written information you leave lying around; guard your phone messages so they can’t hear things they don’t need to – as well as your texts, emails, Facebook post and the like – you never know when a child may intentionally or by mistake stumble onto information that isn’t healthy for them to know or see.

2. Don’t discuss adult issues with the kids.  Parents should erect an invisible fence around their divorcing hurts and reasons from their co-parenting responsibilities and sharing of the kids.  You will be in a relationship at some level as long as you have kids so work hard to make it as healthy for them as you can.  If you find you have allowed the boundaries between your fences to open – stop – reevaluate and put that fence back up. 

3. Set aside your own emotions as difficult as they may be and listen to your children.  Be respectful to your children – they are hurting and scared and need to know they are safe to share with you.  Try not to give more information than currently being asked for.  Encourage them to ask questions and talk when they are ready.  But you must also remember to be ready and willing to listen and hear what they are saying.

Kids are resilient.  They want to be free to love both their parents.  They want both their parents to love them.  They want to know both of their parents are ok and then they will trust they will also be ok.

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

What Happens to Our Retirement Accounts Once We Divorce?

Deciding how to divide the retirement accounts, such as IRAs, 401(k)s and pensions is an important part of the divorce process.   

Unlike closing a joint bank account and opening a new one in your own name, for example, dividing retirement assets can be a bit complicated.   

We all know that taking a distribution from a retirement account will likely result in income taxes and possibly a 10% penalty.  Fortunately, there is an exception to this rule when retirement assets are distributed due to a divorce.  

A qualified retirement plan, meaning a 401(k) or pension, can be divided if a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) is prepared, spelling out how much is to be distributed and to whom.  This allows the retirement account to be divided without taxes and penalties.

The spouse receiving the assets can roll them into an IRA rollover account at the financial institution of their choice.  The QDRO allows the funds to be distributed out of the original 401(k) but they must be rolled into an IRA to avoid tax.  Once the assets are in the IRA rollover, they are treated just as any other IRA.

There is a one-time opportunity to take some of those funds in cash without penalty before the funds are rolled over.   The decision to take out this cash must be made carefully.  Although you may avoid a 10% penalty, the cash you take without rolling it over will likely be subject to income taxes.   And it will reduce your overall retirement assets which may be needed later.

When it comes to dividing a pension plan, some allow distribution of a portion of the current cash balance which may be rolled into an IRA.  Some require distribution of a portion of the monthly payments upon retirement.  The difference between these two options is controlled by the pension plan document, and the plan administrator will explain the options of your particular plan.   A QDRO will be required for this to be properly documented either way.

There is no plan administrator for an IRA and they don’t need a QDRO; but many financial institutions require a copy of the final Divorce Decree.   Your attorney might be able to facilitate this sooner by preparing another type of less complicated order to satisfy the requirements.  

The decision of how to divide your assets and the consequences of each, whether real estate, retirement or other investments is one of the most important decisions you will make during this process.  Your collaborative divorce team is well aware of this and they will work closely with you to help you through the process.

By Diane Willis

How are Negotiation and Mediation Different from a Collaborative Divorce?

While negotiation and mediation are tools to settle disputes, collaborative law proceedings involve an entirely different alternative to litigating in court. In collaborative law proceedings, you and your spouse each hire an attorney trained in the collaborative law process. Both sides and their lawyers enter into an agreement, which provides that all parties agree to the collaborative law process. Although the process may be lengthy, it enables the focus to shift away from the conflict and toward finding solutions. The attorneys become a part of the team supporting settlement rather than advocates adding to the conflict.

Talk to your lawyer about whether your case would be well suited to the collaborative law process.

By Josh Goodman

What are the Basics of Alimony?

Alimony is effectively a distribution of income from one spouse to another in a divorce.  It tries to alleviate any inequity in income earned by each spouse.

There are “rule of thumb” equations to estimate alimony.  However it is difficult to assess a global standard because each divorcing couple’s situation is unique.  In general, alimony considerations include:

• Need.  An attempt is made to determine the amount of need a recipient spouse has for basics such as food, residence and general living.  Other costs are also considered such as discretionary expenses and goals resulting from the divorce (e.g. career services).  Divorce professionals can help define a fair budget and will also assess the recipient spouse’s sources of income.

• Ability to Pay.  The ability of the payor spouse to pay alimony and still have enough to live on for himself or herself is also considered. 

• Length of Marriage, Age, Health, Need for Education, Etc.  There is a variety of other factors that are considered when determining alimony.  For instance, a lengthy marriage where one spouse sacrificed his or her career for the other will likely warrant a greater alimony obligation than a shorter marriage where both spouses have developed careers. 

A popular belief is that alimony is supposed to afford a continuance of pre-divorce lifestyle.  Often times, the circumstances of divorce require- that both spouses experience a decreased standard of living, especially initially. 

By Geoff Owen

My spouse and I both want our divorce to be amicable. How can we keep it that way?

Find a lawyer who understands your goal to reach settlement and encourage your spouse to do the same. Consider choosing a lawyer that understands and has experience with collaborative law (a process that attempts to settle cases amicably and outside the adversarial court system).

Once you start the process, cooperate in the prompt voluntary exchange of necessary information. Then, ask your attorney about the options of negotiation and mediation for reaching an agreement. Even if you are not able to settle all of the issues in your divorce, these actions can increase the likelihood of agreement on many of issues that would be otherwise taken to court.

You and your spouse should be commended for your willingness to cooperate while focusing on moving through the divorce process. This will not only make your lives easier and save you money on attorney fees, but it is also more likely to result in an outcome you are both satisfied with.  In addition, collaborative law proceedings can reduce stress on the children by keeping them from being exposed (directly or in­ directly) to the adversarial litigation process.

By Josh Goodman

How do we tell our children we are getting a divorce?

How are we going to tell the children?  The most common, and stress-filled questions I get from parents who are separating involve “who, what, where, when and how” information will be conveyed to their children that the family they have known is changing.  Regardless of how the parents feel about the separation and possible divorce, in most circumstances, knowing the hurt their children are about to experience can be paralyzing.  As a result, parents often delay the inevitable, sometimes continuing to live together in terrible tension until they feel like they have all the answers to the questions the children may have.

First, every situation is different. In some families, there is the presence of high conflict or family violence, or children with widely varying ages or cognitive abilities, or adult children who live outside the home.  Each of these circumstances requires a unique and alternate approach. However, certain considerations are universally important:

1. Children need to feel that they can still count on you to take care of them. Conveying love for them, strength, and confidence is important. Young children, especially, will take their cues from the parents about how catastrophic the event will be. It doesn’t serve them to believe it will be catastrophic, so with empathy and self-control, without misrepresenting or minimizing anything, do your best to assure them that things will be different, but okay.  Identifying sources of support – friends, family, and faith may be helpful as well.

2. Children need to feel free to love both parents, and not feel required to take sides. Absent a serious psychiatric issue that impacts safety, children do best long term if they have meaningful relationships with both parents. In many cases it’s helpful to consult with a therapist to talk through what you want to communicate. Especially if one party doesn’t want the divorce, it’s important to agree upon language that doesn’t create blame and division.  Acknowledging out loud that you both love them, and know they love both of you, and that they will continue to spend time with both of you is important. Choosing to tell them together, using “we” to refer to yourselves as parents, is helpful in addressing both of these first two items.

3. Children are egocentric.   Of paramount importance to them, regardless of their ages, is how they will be impacted personally. Will I have to move? Will I change schools? Who is going to pick me up from now on? Will we still be able to afford college? It’s likely you won’t yet have the answers to some of their questions. Answer the ones you can, and let them know that there are decisions about things that haven’t been made yet, but will be shared as things develop.

4. Children need to be children.  Listen to their questions, and recognize they may not have any initially, or any they are ready to ask. Don’t burden them with details they haven’t asked for. Use good judgment in responding to those they do. Recognize you may get the same questions over and over, as they process the answers, and try to be patient.

There is no question that the conversation will be difficult, but preparing ahead, and choosing a calm time with sufficient space around it, will allow you to begin with greater confidence – and that is something the children need to see.

Dr. Susan Campbell is a licensed clinical psychologist and consultant with expertise in attachment, divorce, trauma, anxiety, and learning differences, with over 25 years of professional experience helping children, adults and families live well.

The Role of a Divorce Coach

So the words have been spoken, “I want a divorce.”  It may be your choice, the choice may be being made for you – either case the next steps that follow are pivotal for the healing and success of you and your family.  However, most people do not have a lot of experience in how to divorce much less divorce well so they turn to their family, friends and co-workers for advice.  Many well-meaning people but they usually don’t possess much more education than you have and it may be severely lopsided because  they share from the lenses of how divorce has shown up in their own lives – personally (what they did or didn’t get…), a family member went through a divorce and they share that experience (you need to hire the “best” attorney in town…) or they may refer to a divorce realty show (judge Judy says…).  What you need is a Divorce Coach.

Divorce coaching is fairly new so let’s do some explaining about this professional role.  They should be trained with specific skills as a Divorce Coach and understand the divorce process well professionally (while having gone through a divorce themselves may be valuable it isn’t the only qualification!).

First, I want to say what a Divorce Coach will not do:

• Provide your legal advice (reserved for your attorney)

• Provide your therapy or counseling (reserved for your therapist)

• Provide your financial or tax advice (reserved for your CPA)

Second, I want to say what a Divorce Coach will coach their clients to do:

• Be solution-focused rather than be focused on the “win” in a divorce

• Be clear, specific and reasonable about theirs and their family’s need and wants

• Learn clear and effective communication skills to work effectively with their attorneys, other professionals, spouse and their children

• Truly concentrate on their children’s best interest rather than getting back at their spouse

• Build a professional divorce team that will serve their goals well (collaborative process, mediation, which attorney to choose, therapist needed, child specialist, CDFA – certified divorce financial analyst, CPA…)

• To become empowered and willing to move their lives forward

• Be able to participate meaningful in the divorce process

A Divorce Coach should complement the work and expertise provided by an attorney and helps the professional team communicate and work well together for the goal of their client.  A Divorce Coach should help their client be able to make better choices, communicate more effectively, balance their emotions, stay focused, and work toward a fair resolution of their divorce matter.  This then will be a win for the client!

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

After the Divorce Papers are Signed – What’s Next?

You have survived the divorces process but soon realize the signatures on the agreements didn’t free your emotions.  Yes, it certainly helps to get off that roller coaster but then there is another ride waiting called “rebuilding your life after the divorce”.

Your goal is inner peace, desire to face each day without feeling overwhelmed, release the fear, anger and resentment – to heal.  A divorce coach is skilled at helping your navigate a new path to your new normal.  The coaching process will help you:

• Move from confusion and frustration to a place of clarity

• Transcend the victim modality for a healthy sense of self esteem

• Gain a balanced understanding of both spouses’ roles in the demise of the marriage

• Focus on becoming the best single parent you can be by learning how to support your children during this transition in their lives and find a way create a new home, new traditions, and a new family model

• Tackle the challenges financially, getting your home in order, possibly entering the work force and building new friendships or repairing old ones

• Evaluate your attitude and where you need to let go of some negative energies and make room for some new positive energies to enter your space

• Work through the process of forgiveness, develop feelings of freedom and peace

• Learn to laugh, smile and start living again with purpose

Probably the most exhausting element of divorce is the story you tell yourself in your head.  We will deal with patterns of self-abusing thoughts, eliminate the need to blame others for your situation and learn to recognize and understand your feelings and not let your emotions run you.  It is time to write a new story.  A story where you are living forward and feel empowered to decide which life ride you choose to get on and when to get off of a ride that isn’t the best one for you and your future.

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

What are the Benefits of Collaborative Law?

You’re angry as hell at the spouse you thought you knew. You want to hire the meanest, toughest SOB divorce lawyer you can find and exact the retribution you deserve by going to court.

How could a judge not agree that your spouse is a complete (insert description here) and side with you on all issues? After all, you’re the one who’s being fair and reasonable, and you only want what’s in the children’s best interest, right?

In my law and mediation practice, I hear these things every day. People who once said “I do” are now saying “Screw you!”   They may demonize their spouse and the mother or father of their children.  They want justice in their divorce, and they think court is the way to get it.  I’m here to say it’s not.

It might be shocking for a lawyer to tell you to avoid court.  But there are ways to end a marriage that don’t involve a lawsuit.  Instruct your lawyer to use negotiation, mediation and collaborative law instead to get divorced, arrange child custody, and resolve your issues.  Here’s why.

Control – Think you’re going to win in court?  Think again. The reality in divorce court is no one wins. Judges hear polar opposite perspectives and “facts” from parties and often decide somewhere between those positions.  Very often both parties are equally frustrated with the judge’s decision. By walking into court, you give up any ability to control the outcome.

Cost – TV isn’t real life.  The real-life court system is over-burdened and inefficient and absolutely NOTHING happens quickly. There are thousands of pending cases before yours.  Count on it taking months, if not years, from start to finish and much more in attorney fees than you ever thought remotely possible. Closure – Life is too short to spend so much time with lawyers and devote time, energy and money on the never-ending negativity you’ll experience in court.  Your spouse will never agree with you on what caused your marriage to end.  Instead of continuing to insist you’re right, insist on problem solving and moving on.

Children – Surely the most important reason. If you want to nearly guarantee that your children will suffer, then file that lawsuit.

By going to court, you ask a third party to decide what’s in the best interests of your kids. Judges don’t know your kids and they surely don’t love your kids.  Why are you letting lawyers or judges decide on what’s in the best interests of your children?

Once the judge makes a decision, either you or your ex feel screwed or worse. Your feelings of animosity against your ex grow. Your children see, hear and feel everything that is said and just as importantly what is not, both before and after court.  They may even be called upon to act as witnesses about you and your ex.

In the months and years afterwards, they’re scared to talk about the other parent for fear of disappointing you. They worry what one parent will think at the soccer field if they approach or say anything to the other parent.

These feelings carry on well into adulthood as you and your ex despise each other for years to come. Your children, even as adults, still worry about you at their graduations, their weddings, and the births of your grandkids!

Would it then surprise you to watch them repeat your behavior in their own relationships or marriage? It shouldn’t. Kids model their behavior after yours, now and later.

That’s why I urge you to find a way, through negotiation, mediation, or collaborative law, to compromise with your soon-to-be-ex and develop a solution that works for you and your kids.

Negotiation is just what it sounds like – the parties and their lawyers attempt to settle issues out of court by negotiating and problem solving.  In mediation, the parties do this with the help of their lawyers and a third-party neutral person.  Collaborative law is a model designed to streamline negotiation and problem-solving.

Twenty years from now, your family’s destiny may be different because you followed this advice today.

Attorney Rob Blair is a board-certified specialist in family law.  After beating his head against the litigation wall for years, he focuses his practice on alternative dispute resolution, including negotiation, mediation, and collaborative law. Business North Carolina magazine named him the top family law attorney in North Carolina on its 2016 list of “Legal Elite.”

Why Do I Have to Produce All These Documents?

When you see the list of documents that will be gathered and exchanged by you and your spouse in the collaborative process, it will probably seem overwhelming.  However, the documents are essential to the process for a number of reasons. First, transparency is essential to productive negotiation.

You cannot be expected to negotiate in good faith without being fully informed about the subject matter about which you are negotiating. You should not expect your spouse or your spouse’s lawyer to rely solely on your word; the attorneys involved must advise their clients and in order to do that, they must be informed.

Second, the collaborative law agreement you and your spouse signed at the start of the process requires you to be forthcoming with documents and information (even when it is not requested of you!).

Third, the documents exchanged are documents that each party would be entitled to if you were going to court, and you would be required to produce the documents to your spouse in that setting. The professionals involved in your case are aware of the amount of time it will take you to gather all of the documents needed, but be assured that the documentation you have been asked to gather is essential to the process.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

The Value of a Financial Neutral (From a Collaborative Lawyer’s Perspective)

When I first began my collaborative practice, I wondered why a financial neutral was necessary.  I routinely prepare spreadsheets detailing marital assets and liabilities for purposes of negotiating division of property.  I also work with my clients to prepare budgets (or financial affidavits) detailing income and expenses for use in discussions of spousal support and child support. So why would I need a financial neutral to do those things? 

After being involved in cases with and without a financial neutral, I am an advocate for involving a financial neutral in cases involving financial issues, particularly alimony.  For one, involving a financial neutral can save both parties money.  You may be surprised to hear that, but it’s true.  Instead of having both lawyers inventory all documents in the case and each prepare their own version of the marital assets and debts spreadsheet, the financial neutral will be primarily responsible for that. 

Both sides of the case will have copies of all relevant documents, but the financial neutral will be responsible for creating one spreadsheet of the marital assets and debts for use by all involved in the case.  It also helps to have someone who is a neutral in the case presenting financial data to the parties. 

My client’s spouse is much more likely to receive and trust financial information presented by a financial neutral not affiliated with either side than they are receiving that same information from me.  Involving a financial neutral may also help to make your discussions regarding spousal support more about the numbers and less about the emotion involved. 

Discussing spousal support is always challenging, so having financial data about each party’s income, needs, expenses, and the impact to each spouse of a hypothetical spousal support amount is incredibly helpful.  If your collaborative attorney suggests you consider bringing on a financial neutral, hear him or her out because it may prove very helpful in your case.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

Self-Compassion Affirmation from your Divorce Coach

Divorce is no doubt one of the most challenging times of a person’s life.  The hurtful words spoken and actions taken leading up to the decision to divorce often continue right into the divorce process. 

For more than sixteen years working as a divorce Coach I hear and feel the beating a person’s self-worth takes because of the divorce – and this is true for the person who initiates the divorce as well as the person who has been left through the process of divorce. 

Speaking of divorce processes, as I always strongly recommend to my clients, take this step very seriously.  Be open to learn and hear about your options.  I have found the Collaborative Divorce process to be one that is more healing than others.  Choose well my friend.  But for now I would like to offer you what I offer all my clients as a sort of mantra to live by during this difficult season in hopes of offering themselves a little more self-compassion.

Today I will live through the next 24 hours and not try to tackle all my problems at once.

Today I will improve myself, body, mind and spirit.

Today I will refuse to spend time worrying about what might happen if…

Today I will not imagine what I would do if things were different. They are not different.  I will do my best with what resources I have.

Today I will find the grace to let go of resentments of others and self-condemnation over past mistakes.

Today I will not try to change, improve anybody but me.

Today I will act toward others as though this will be my last day on earth.

Today I will be unafraid.  I will enjoy what is beautiful, and I will believe that as I give to the world, the world will give to me.

Anonymously written

I hope you find these words inspirational as you walk the journey of divorce but as you walk through the rest of your days.  Be strong, be courageous and be present in your life.

Sandra Lee is a Certified Divorce Coach and Divorce Mediator with Emerge Victorious, growing through and beyond divorce and has 16 years of experience. www.EmergeVictorious.com

Should I Trust a Recommendation from My Spouse’s Collaborative Attorney About Who to Hire to Represent Me?

Here is a common hypothetical scenario to consider: you and your spouse are preparing to separate, or have recently separated, and your spouse has hired a collaborative lawyer to represent him/her. You have not yet hired an attorney and so your spouse provides you with names of other collaborative attorneys who his/her attorney recommends for you to meet with. Should you trust these recommendations?

The short answer is yes, and let me explain why. In order for the collaborative process to work, there must be some fundamental trust: trust in the process you have chosen; trust between the professionals involved; and, to some extent, trust between you and your spouse that you will participate in the process in good faith. The relationship between the two collaborative attorneys involved in your case will have a significant impact on how efficient and productive the process ends up being. When I make recommendations to my client’s spouse regarding a collaborative attorney to represent him/her, I recommend attorneys with whom I have worked well in the past on collaborative cases and attorneys whom I know well enough to feel comfortable doing a collaborative case. I would never recommend someone I do not respect because I know that having an effective and trustworthy lawyer on the opposite of the case increases the likelihood of a durable and lasting resolution for the parties.

Courtney Smith is an attorney at Hatcher Law Group who focuses on helping people accomplish their goals through the legal system by providing guidance and realistic expectations.

How do I adjust to life financially after divorce?

The financial adjustment to divorce commonly gets pushed to the back-burner as the process unfolds.  This is understandable given the emotional toil and the nature of “putting out the fire immediately in front of you.”   However a divorcee’s long-term financial stability and life planning benefit from early recognition of financial matters.

The cornerstone of assessing your financial circumstance is developing a post-divorce budget.  When preparing a budget, it is important to weigh non-discretionary unavoidable costs versus discretionary costs because it is probable that your lifestyle will be reduced at least temporarily.  Expenses being established, then you should inventory your income sources such as earned income, income from investments, alimony, and child support. 

The budgeting exercise should help you visualize the likelihood of goals such as your need for earned income or whether you can afford to remain in the marital residence.  It may also help you foresee beyond the short-term, for instance with retirement planning goals.  Lastly, such contemplations will hopefully lead you to consider matters like changing beneficiary designations on retirement accounts and revising your estate planning.

As a part of budgeting and financial planning, you will want to manage your debt to achieve financial freedom.  This may be simple cost-cutting and aggressive debt reduction to more complex strategies of debt consolidation.

Similarly, your credit rating will be important to borrow at favorable terms when you need to.  You should start by reviewing your credit report and paying bills in a timely fashion.

It is important to transfer risks when going through the divorce transition.  You should conduct a full review of basic insurances like auto, home, and health to the more intricate like life and disability.

By Geoff Owen

What Do We Tell our Children?

As with any difficult news, there is never truly a “good time” to explain too your children that you will be separating. It does help though, to choose a time when they will be able to process the information and come back with questions later as they begin to digest the situation. Telling them on a Friday evening or Saturday morning allows them the weekend to do so without the pressure of school and other back-to-back commitments.

Ideally both parents are present during the discussion to reassure the children that they are both committed to on-going co-parenting, and that while the family will be restructured, they will still be a family. Regardless of the facts leading to a decision to separate, children only need to know that Mom and Dad have decided to separate and that neither is a “villain” or “victim”. This allows the children to focus on their own feelings and needs without assuming that they need to align with one parent over the other or take on the arduous task emotional care-taking of one of the parents. They do not need to know the details or reasons other than a general explanation, even if they ask you to explain. Parents model healthy boundaries when they respond that the details are private adult matters and the kids don’t need to know them.  What they need to know is that both parents will continue to love and care for them. They will likely have questions about the up-coming changes such as who will move out and how parenting time will be spent. Having a few answers before telling the children about the separation may help ease their anxiety. 

Maria Curran Ph.D., LPCS-Master’s level is a professional counselor and consultant with over 22 years of experience working with children, teens, adults and families utilizing expressive arts, play therapy, filial and reunification therapy as well as more traditional “talk” therapy. She is the director of the Center for Creativity and Healing, PC.

What should we do about life insurance when getting a divorce?

Divorce doesn’t eliminate the concerns you insured against as a married couple.  In fact new needs are generated.

The child support-paying spouse may be the noncustodial parent, but he/she will still want to ensure the children’s basic needs are met and provide for major aims such as education expenses even if deceased.  In addition, costs for childcare could rise significantly if the custodial parent dies.  Consequently, it may be advisable for the noncustodial parent to purchase life insurance on the custodial parent.

Similarly, the support-receiving spouse has an interest in protecting payments against an untimely death of the payor spouse.  As the beneficiary on the ex-spouse’s life insurance policy, the payee would receive insurance proceeds upon the payor’s death.  However, the payee beneficiary lacks control of the policy if not also the owner.  The payee would not know if the ex-spouse ceased paying premiums, took out a loan on the policy, or even changed the beneficiary.  If structured as part of the divorce agreement, ownership of the payor’s policy can be transferred to the support-receiving spouse who is also the policy’s beneficiary and the transfer of ownership can avoid gift taxes.  Premiums may qualify as alimony if paid by the payor spouse for life insurance on the payor’s life and if the supported spouse is the owner and beneficiary of the policy.

A less common approach is for the supported spouse to purchase a policy on the payor spouse.  He/she would gain control as with the transferred ownership, however it may be expensive and there may be reluctance on the part of the payor spouse to undergo the underwriting requirements.

By Geoff Owen